Meat market

In the “World of Gay”, men are viewed as pieces of meat and you do what you can to bag that sweet piece of ass to take it home. Men (particularly gay men) are vain. I cannot exclude straight men, but you definitely see it more within the gay community. We care about how we look (a lot) so we can have that sexy piece of arm candy, but also bag that other piece over there in the corner too. Where do these views originate?

I believe it comes from men being “the muscle” of the 2 main sexes along with how the media portrays men. Because of this, we are always looking to become bigger, stronger, and obtain a more attractive physique. We spend hours in the gym, spend hundreds on health supplements to help build our muscles and just as much on fashions to show it all off.

Why do we want/do this? It is because we want to be more appealing to the one we are attracted to so we can mate (purely primal)? I am not saying that we are doing it soley for the primal satisfaction of mating, but it does play a very large role in this. You don’t see Men in (lasting) relationships trying to look good to land some meat do you? Men are physical and visual, but once comfortable we tend to let ourselves go. This is something that is happening since the beginning of time. 

When I am at the gym, I admit that I scope out every hot piece of ass that walks in the door, purely just checking out those physical aspects we love so much. I personally look for the hot muscle bods and then move to the face. For me, the face is a deal breaker, just as my body (not being a perfect specimen) is for most. Because the gym is a mix of straight and gay men, many times you can’t tell who is what, so there is rarely anyone going home with any bagged meat from there (excluding those areas that have prevalent gay gyms).

This is the same thing in a night club. You scope out the pretty face and check out the body, and if it isn’t up to your standards you move on. Everyone is attracted to something different so it is always interesting to watch, or even be involved, with these interactions. It really is like a meat market. 

You’ll see the hungry ones lining the walls and scoping out their prey like a lion. They will keep an eye on their prize until they get their chance to go in for the kill. Their tactics are strong and practiced, and if they are good enough, they may just land their meat prize after all. Near the end of the night you will see them start getting a little more frantic depending on how desperate they are. They will start to ‘settle’ on the ones they don’t find as perfect a prize, but they must leave with something or they will not be satisfied. 

I feel that I am lucky enough to see what is attractive in many different kinds of people as I don’t have just one particular type. History tells me there is a type I always gravitate towards though, but each type of guy I’m attracted to is for a different reason. Most guys I am physically attracted to is for the ‘physical activities’, but there are a few that are relationship worthy. 

Overall, I wonder if I want that arm candy, that meat that everyone is after. Would I be happy with this situation? Do I want someone on my arm that everyone, including myself, considers a piece of meat or arm candy? Will I find my happy medium of meat and brain? A meaty personality? 

Sensitive

An overweight 10 year old kid desperate for friends, but none in sight. Kids calling them names, laughing about his weight, making them feel bad about themselves. This kid only wants friends, something they have had trouble with all their life. Their desperation for friends is tangible as they do whatever they can to make a real friend, they even play “the bad guy that gets killed every time in EVERY game” just for some kind of attention. Just one that they can play with at recess and share jokes and have fun with.

One day, they come into the lunchroom like any other day, things are as usual with everyone eating and talking. They set their lunch down on the table and take a seat in an open spot. As soon as they sit, all of the kids at their end of the table deliberately get up and move tables. Well, “Maybe they are just done eating and are ready to go out for recess”, but no, this is not the case. It was obvious to the kid that it was them that caused the other kids to get up and move to another table to finish their food. They instantly know what happened and why. They other kids, being cruel as they are, got up and moved because they are “the fat kid”, overweight and undesirable, even as a friend. They tried to take a few bites of their lunch but they have no appetite, they put their head down and just cry.

This kid is Me.

I went home this day feeling completely and utterly defeated. I didn’t understand. I was always nice, tried so hard to make friends, and did whatever I could. The simple fact that I was overweight was the only reason that no one liked me. I was judged everywhere I went as “the fat kid”, “the weird kid”, “the annoying kid”, and for some reason unknown to me, “the gay kid”. Growing up I never knew what being effeminate was, I didn’t even know what “gay” was, just that it was not good. (I have theories I’ll post on this topic later I’m sure.)

All through elementary school, it was rough. The last 2 years were especially so because I was also a new kid at the school. I had made maybe 1-2 acquaintances during that time period and of course they were girls. They both lived not too far from me in the middle of nowhere, but we didn’t really hang out outside of school, we were just ‘friendly’ at school. Of course I had my neighbors who also went to that school, but one was a different grade and the other a different class, so I literally never saw them there, and at the time, we weren’t really “friends”, just ‘friendly neighbors’.

I always got into some kid of trouble at school too. It may have been for attention, but at the time I’m sure I was doing what I wanted because it was fun, even though it was against the rules. I learned what the inside of the principles office looked like really well. This happened to be a great way to avoid reality and just sit somewhere comfortable while the other kids forgot I existed for awhile.

In middle school I didn’t have friends yet again, just one of those girls I was an acquaintance of, which became a little more friendly. I started noticing my ‘being gay’ a bit more and tried hiding it. I was very self-conscious of how I looked and everything I did, from the very clothes I wore (of which I had very little power regardless how I begged my mother for cooler clothes) to the mannerisms that I had. I felt like I had to keep these deep dark secrets in order to possibly make friends and be accepted. In middle school, no one really talked to me much so I was able to hide things easier to which I just remained quiet and alone.

I still longed for friends of course, but I didn’t really try to worry about it too much. I was becoming more and more concerned about my weight however, due to the cruelness of others, and so I attempted to try out for the basketball team in the 7th grade. It definitely didn’t work out as I had completely fallen out of being athletic since being a child that played soccer and t-ball 5 or so years prior. Thus, in my last attempt, I made the decision in 8th grade to go out for the football team in high school.

I got onto the team (as they pretty much accepted everyone). I figured, why not? They teach you discipline and they make you exercise. Another motive was that this was a big group of guys, I may actually find some friends here (which I actually did, but high school is another blog). When training came around, we worked and we worked hard. I wasn’t the only “fat kid” anymore, but I was still the “possible gay boy?” in the room. I was asked a few times if I was, but I always denied it. If you think elementary school kids are cruel, think of what testosterone driven high school boys are like. They are pure evil to others just in ignorance.

Since that day in the lunch room in elementary school, that very day in fact, I came to the conclusion that I will never let anyone get to me enough to make me cry ever again. I very clearly remember saying to myself “I will bottle up all of my emotions, close myself off and grow a thick skin.” I honestly have only cried a few times since. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel emotions and I can cry, but it takes a lot to get to that point.

This happened approximately 19 years ago. My question here is: Is this the single most identifying point in my life that has made me who I am today? The embarrassment that I suffered that day, the heart break, the sadness, the personal growth too. Do I have a strong sense of myself and my character today because of how I grew up? Being bullied and picked on by other kids? I by no means was bullied physically, but was assaulted mentally. Was this something that turned me into a better person? Am I stronger today because of it? What would this mean in today’s society?

Are kids today too sensitive? Will this sensitivity and political correctness that is spreading like a disease weaken us as people? I honestly remember a time in my life where we used to say “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Is this still a saying today? Did it change to “Sticks and stones won’t break my bones, but words will always hurt me”?

When did we create humans that are physically impervious but mentally broken? How did it happen to our society? Did we fail because these upcoming generations are unable to handle criticism and words?

Habit? Addiction? Obsession?

When I got home from work tonight, I thought to myself that I had NO idea what to write about tonight. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I go through my nightly routine of changing into clothes that are more comfortable, turning on my computer to play some video games and surf the internet.

My first stop is to log into my favorite games and do the typical max outs on them. Once this is done I view the new videos on Youtube from the people I subscribe to, surf through Facebook and chat with a few friends here and there on Discord.

Tonight while scrolling through Facebook, I came across a friend’s ‘like’ of some choreography that 3 guys are performing. This took me back a few years to when I used to binge watch hundreds of videos on Youtube of people showcasing their choreography after much practicing. This used to always make me want to do this in my daily life as it looked amazingly fun! Anyway, it got me questioning myself and I decided I had a blog for tonight after all!

My questions? At what point do we call habits an addiction? At what point do we call addictions a habit? When does it become an obsession? Do we become obsessed with things just from repetition? Can we differentiate between them?

I have an addictive personality. I get stuck on things that I love to do that bring me pleasure. These things include going to the club and dancing, watching topic specific Youtube videos back to back, drinking with friends, playing games, reading, or just whatever happens to tickle my fancy. So what out of these things, among others, are obsessions, habits, or addictions? Each of these words has a different meaning but are interchangeable to me depending on how you use it to describe what you are doing and if you are looking at it in a positive or negative view.

Does the habit of doing it daily become an addiction or an obsession? How does this progress? Am I obsessed? Can I live without doing it? Is this considered a grey area?

I am easily distracted, and it can happen for hours, but why then am I able to quit things cold turkey and never look back at them? Do I give up these things when they finally become monotonous and boring? Do I give them up when it feels like they are progressing to the next level? These do not always go in order of habit to addiction to obsession. They can appear in any order, but they can also appear one without another. When do we recognize these things and if/when they are a good thing or bad thing? Philosophically, you can argue positive or negative for any of these words on how you want to view something in your life, but is there a fixed answer to this or is it an open ended question after all?

Reactions

I am reading a book called “The 7 Habits of Successful People”. It very much bends you to believe that you are the owner of you. That you have the power to shape your reality and reactions to others around you. Well, here is the hard part about trying to block out external influences and staying positive all the time.

I try my hardest everyday to keep positive and stay happy, but I’m only human. I have not reached enlightenment or achieved transcendence by any means. I think of myself as wise and have been told I am such by others; however, stress is stress. We all react in some way, whether it is choosing not to react, or flying off the hinges and going bat-shit crazy. I have a
“co-worker” (and I use this word loosely), that likes to stir the pot and get a rise out of people.

Now, I am not one to normally react to situations impulsively. I personally HATE confrontation and speaking my mind because when I do, no one is happy about what I have to say. Part of my problem though is that I am stubborn and quite very emotional. I feel a bit more keenly than others, however throughout my life, I have learned to bottle things up. It’s not the “typical man” thing, its my tough skin, my wall, or my bubble. People have a hard time trying to get under my skin because I am very “Eh, forget about it!” Not much tends to actually bug me.

This “co-worker” of mine for SOME reason, knows how to do just that! She gets under my skin no matter HOW hard I try to ignore it. I’ve snapped more times at her in the last 2 months than I have on ANYONE else in my life! I stand up, and I confront her. I get that shaking feeling, that surge of adrenaline. She runs and hides afterward, but not much later (usually the next day), shes right back at it, poking the sleeping lion with a finger (ballsy). Every rise she gets out of me I’m sure excites her and satisfies her need to “feel alive”, because lets face it, her life is pretty drab from what she tells me.

She has the total power to come back down on me and more than likely get me removed, but we are in an interesting spot, and I think we both know it. She can’t get rid of me because she knows I’m already on the way out, and if she tries, my Doc will probably rip her face off. He would probably fight tooth and nail for me as I’m his “Superman”. So of course, she would appease him to save her own skin. The other factor here is that I’m pretty sure her boss would like some reason to get rid of her too. Interesting predicament.

We will definitely have to see what happens in the future. While I’m planning on getting out by August 2017, it may just have to be a bit sooner as I’m really getting fed up with the treatment I receive from this “co-worker”.

Gym thing?

In January I switched which gym I work out at (same company, different location). I wake up at 5am and work at 9am so I definitely get my workout on. I can’t help it but to look at all the sexy guys that workout there too. 

Well the first day, as I am changing for the showers, this cute ass Hispanic guy is also. We ended up in the showers at the same time. I noticed he left his shower door ajar about 2 feel (not an accident in my mind), so no joke, I did the same. As we are showering it’s obvious that, he for some reason, likes what he sees, and so do I. 

Since that day, every time we see one another in the locker room, he strips to his underwear (which are clearly designer so I know he’s gotta be gay too) and flexes his muscles in the mirror, all the while making glances at me. He also has tattoos on each thigh and inside both wrists. 

I don’t have very much confidence on hitting on guys in public so the most we have ever said is “hi”. Ever since this first encounter however, we have been eyeing one another in the locker room and even in the gym while working out. 

It gives me a rush and makes me shake with the amount of adrenaline that surges through my veins. He excites me, and I’m too afraid to really make conversation. Who knows if this will remain just a gym thing?

Decisions…

I have gone through a lot these last few months. Loss of loved ones near and far, dealing with the guilt and sadness, depression and anger inside myself. Growing up, this is not the person I ever thought that I would be. I always viewed myself as happy, optimistic, lucky, and fun. Since graduating college and landing this job and having a boyfriend (now my Ex), I have realized more about myself than I did before.

As mentioned in my “Unhappy” blog, I feel all this negativity is the product of my current job and current stresses. While we have the power to change our view and reactions to situations, I feel a change is actually in order. I feel that a viewpoint change is too difficult and I need to do what’s right by me.

(A little background)

Originally while starting college, I followed the path of becoming an Architect. This was my one true passion for a career. During the 2008/2009 housing market crash, friends of mine who had been in the field as interns were getting let go, to which this discouraged me greatly. I figured I would never get an internship at this point, so I changed my major and went into something with job security. I said to myself “This is a smart move! I’m proud of myself!”

With this thought came the major of Nursing. I started the prerequisites for Nursing, a highly competitive field mind you. About a year in, I started hearing all types of things from friends about how there is a 3 year waiting list for the program, and that it is HIGHLY competitive, they only take the top students. At this information I because scared. Fear is a very controlling emotion. I was taking some disease and microbiology classes at the time and decided then to shift my major to Microbiology. I found I enjoyed this class IMMENSELY! Once I had finished and received that B+, I had NEVER been so proud as to how well I did. That was the most rigorous class I had ever taken and I felt accomplished!

Well, I knew it was going to be quite some time before I would be done with a degree in Microbiology, and being my “independent” little self, I thought I needed to get out and be on my own as soon as possible.

Well, one of my friends approached me about Medical Assisting. She told me all about it and it did sound VERY appealing. A year and a half and you can be in the field working, making money and living life! It sounded too good to be true! It was. It was TOO good to be true. Here I am 2 years later! Unhappy. Depressed. Angry.  I have debt I never thought I would have because I always considered myself wise and would never put myself in that position. Was I wrong or what?! I got a big head because I finally had that 40 hour a week job with a stable income and that new car, that new boyfriend, and that great health insurance. Damn did I mess up.

(Back to the point)

I have come to the conclusion that that life isn’t for me. Yes I love helping people and doing what I can to make them happy and comfortable, but there are restraints and limits to what I am LEGALLY allowed to say/do/be in this line of work. I may KNOW information, but because I am not a ‘doctor’, I cannot give it. I cannot give advice on medical matters to ANYONE because it is “Out of my Scope of Practice” (this is a phrase used DAILY). I don’t know a single Medical Assistant (MA) that enjoys not being able to actually help someone because the law stops us from doing it. I do a (as my doctor says) “Phenomenal Job for our patients”, he calls me “Superman” because of the amount I can achieve for my patients. With that work ethic and caring, more has been stacked on my plate every moment of every day. It has gotten to the point where I just can’t keep up! I’d hate to say I’m running away from responsibility, so I WILL say, I am Following my Dream instead.

I have decided to go back to college and finish my Architecture. The MOMENT I finished applying to go back and was accepted, I felt a HUGE weight lift off of my shoulders and I instantly became happier. There was definitely something inside me that was SCREAMING for me to go back and do what actually made me happy. I didn’t listen to that voice. My voice. The voice of my conscience. My mother’s voice. -_-

Looking back now, I have realized that to be happy, it isn’t what society tells me that I need, it is what I want/need to do and be which will make me happy. MY decisions will make me happy because I will make decisions to make myself happy.

Unhappy

As I lay in bed listening to the rain fall through the cracked window beside me, my mind wanders. I think of many things. Chief among them is my future. I wonder if my plans will succeed and how I will be able to accomplish my goals. I work in the medical field, a respectable job to be sure, but I’m unhappy. 

All my life I have struggled to get to where I am. I have struggled to get that job everyone seeks. The golden 40 hour work week, the health insurance with dental and vision, oh, and don’t forget the retirement package! I’m 28, I feel like it’s taken forever to get here, but now I’ve discovered this isn’t what I want. This. This isn’t what makes me happy. 

I cemented this job in place a little over a year ago. Worked through a temp agency for 6 months prior and finally got in where my plans had taken me. I had a boyfriend that loved me, a new car and this job. I felt like my life was where it was supposed to be, where I was socially and financially responsible. 

I excel in my job. My patients LOVE me as well as my doc and NP. My co-workers pretty much love me except when I’m a bit too annoying. Everyone pretty much says good things. I work myself to the bone, but though I feel exhausted at the end of the day, I am glad because I know I did a great job. 

So why am I unhappy?

Our manager is micromanaging us. We feel alienated because it’s like she doesn’t trust us to do our jobs. She lies to our faces, but we know, we know the reality of the situation. Everyday we go in dreading what’s to come. She always has something to say about what is going wrong or what needs to be done today. She nit picks and complains every chance she gets, it gets to us because we are so tired of the negativity that she brings. She can’t seem to bear us being happy. 

I like to try and be positive and remain a ray of sunshine in an otherwise cloudy office, but it affects me too. I’ve never been one to let these things get to me, but they are. I do my best to ignore her and just do what I can. I feel my work performance is slipping because I don’t want to be there. I do all that I can just to stay afloat. I’ve cracked, I’ll admit. I’ve snapped back at her a few times. She gets the rise she wants out of me, but rarely at that. 

This isn’t me. This isn’t who I am. I need to get out of this negative environment. 

Slowly through that last year and a half (going on 2 years), I developed depression, debt, and an overwhelming feeling of being unhappy. I’ve broken up with my now ex-boyfriend. I have an overwhelming sense of loneliness. There’s guilt in my head over other things. A feeling of helplessness. Sadness. A deep seated emotional bankruptcy. 

Who do I turn to? Where do I go? What is next?

Hello!

Well hello there! Welcome to my journey! 🙂

Let me introduce myself. My name is Ryan. Things to know about me? I’m gay, (currently) age 28, single (cough cough), and live at home with my grandparents. I enjoy playing video games on PC, reading, sleeping, working out, spending time with my friends and family, and just being Me. Other hobbies/interests I have include getting out of town (to the Bay Area), taking pictures of the gorgeous views where I live and travel, going out on the town to go have dinner with a friend or two, and go dancing. I am realistic to the point where I can honestly say: I also enjoy going out on dates and having sex. This is where I am unapologetic. I am me, and I could honestly give less of a care about what you have to think of me and my blog.

Consider this a Disclaimer:

I will NOT be hiding things that happen in my life JUST to make you feel “comfortable”. I have outlined pretty well that I am a gay MAN, and being such, I enjoy the physical pleasures of company (or my lonesome). I am a REAL person. Human. Alive. Just like you!

There WILL be topics I am quite sure that people will find…unsavory…blunt…off color…or whatever you would like to say it as. No euphemisms will be used here as I will be direct with what I have to say. I feel it is necessary to be forward/direct with expressing oneself as without this, how do you feel you are truly relaying the message that you are trying to get across.

This all being said and done. Thank you for coming and checking out my blog. I hope you stay a while. 🙂