Unhappy

As I lay in bed listening to the rain fall through the cracked window beside me, my mind wanders. I think of many things. Chief among them is my future. I wonder if my plans will succeed and how I will be able to accomplish my goals. I work in the medical field, a respectable job to be sure, but I’m unhappy. 

All my life I have struggled to get to where I am. I have struggled to get that job everyone seeks. The golden 40 hour work week, the health insurance with dental and vision, oh, and don’t forget the retirement package! I’m 28, I feel like it’s taken forever to get here, but now I’ve discovered this isn’t what I want. This. This isn’t what makes me happy. 

I cemented this job in place a little over a year ago. Worked through a temp agency for 6 months prior and finally got in where my plans had taken me. I had a boyfriend that loved me, a new car and this job. I felt like my life was where it was supposed to be, where I was socially and financially responsible. 

I excel in my job. My patients LOVE me as well as my doc and NP. My co-workers pretty much love me except when I’m a bit too annoying. Everyone pretty much says good things. I work myself to the bone, but though I feel exhausted at the end of the day, I am glad because I know I did a great job. 

So why am I unhappy?

Our manager is micromanaging us. We feel alienated because it’s like she doesn’t trust us to do our jobs. She lies to our faces, but we know, we know the reality of the situation. Everyday we go in dreading what’s to come. She always has something to say about what is going wrong or what needs to be done today. She nit picks and complains every chance she gets, it gets to us because we are so tired of the negativity that she brings. She can’t seem to bear us being happy. 

I like to try and be positive and remain a ray of sunshine in an otherwise cloudy office, but it affects me too. I’ve never been one to let these things get to me, but they are. I do my best to ignore her and just do what I can. I feel my work performance is slipping because I don’t want to be there. I do all that I can just to stay afloat. I’ve cracked, I’ll admit. I’ve snapped back at her a few times. She gets the rise she wants out of me, but rarely at that. 

This isn’t me. This isn’t who I am. I need to get out of this negative environment. 

Slowly through that last year and a half (going on 2 years), I developed depression, debt, and an overwhelming feeling of being unhappy. I’ve broken up with my now ex-boyfriend. I have an overwhelming sense of loneliness. There’s guilt in my head over other things. A feeling of helplessness. Sadness. A deep seated emotional bankruptcy. 

Who do I turn to? Where do I go? What is next?

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