Decisions…

I have gone through a lot these last few months. Loss of loved ones near and far, dealing with the guilt and sadness, depression and anger inside myself. Growing up, this is not the person I ever thought that I would be. I always viewed myself as happy, optimistic, lucky, and fun. Since graduating college and landing this job and having a boyfriend (now my Ex), I have realized more about myself than I did before.

As mentioned in my “Unhappy” blog, I feel all this negativity is the product of my current job and current stresses. While we have the power to change our view and reactions to situations, I feel a change is actually in order. I feel that a viewpoint change is too difficult and I need to do what’s right by me.

(A little background)

Originally while starting college, I followed the path of becoming an Architect. This was my one true passion for a career. During the 2008/2009 housing market crash, friends of mine who had been in the field as interns were getting let go, to which this discouraged me greatly. I figured I would never get an internship at this point, so I changed my major and went into something with job security. I said to myself “This is a smart move! I’m proud of myself!”

With this thought came the major of Nursing. I started the prerequisites for Nursing, a highly competitive field mind you. About a year in, I started hearing all types of things from friends about how there is a 3 year waiting list for the program, and that it is HIGHLY competitive, they only take the top students. At this information I because scared. Fear is a very controlling emotion. I was taking some disease and microbiology classes at the time and decided then to shift my major to Microbiology. I found I enjoyed this class IMMENSELY! Once I had finished and received that B+, I had NEVER been so proud as to how well I did. That was the most rigorous class I had ever taken and I felt accomplished!

Well, I knew it was going to be quite some time before I would be done with a degree in Microbiology, and being my “independent” little self, I thought I needed to get out and be on my own as soon as possible.

Well, one of my friends approached me about Medical Assisting. She told me all about it and it did sound VERY appealing. A year and a half and you can be in the field working, making money and living life! It sounded too good to be true! It was. It was TOO good to be true. Here I am 2 years later! Unhappy. Depressed. Angry.  I have debt I never thought I would have because I always considered myself wise and would never put myself in that position. Was I wrong or what?! I got a big head because I finally had that 40 hour a week job with a stable income and that new car, that new boyfriend, and that great health insurance. Damn did I mess up.

(Back to the point)

I have come to the conclusion that that life isn’t for me. Yes I love helping people and doing what I can to make them happy and comfortable, but there are restraints and limits to what I am LEGALLY allowed to say/do/be in this line of work. I may KNOW information, but because I am not a ‘doctor’, I cannot give it. I cannot give advice on medical matters to ANYONE because it is “Out of my Scope of Practice” (this is a phrase used DAILY). I don’t know a single Medical Assistant (MA) that enjoys not being able to actually help someone because the law stops us from doing it. I do a (as my doctor says) “Phenomenal Job for our patients”, he calls me “Superman” because of the amount I can achieve for my patients. With that work ethic and caring, more has been stacked on my plate every moment of every day. It has gotten to the point where I just can’t keep up! I’d hate to say I’m running away from responsibility, so I WILL say, I am Following my Dream instead.

I have decided to go back to college and finish my Architecture. The MOMENT I finished applying to go back and was accepted, I felt a HUGE weight lift off of my shoulders and I instantly became happier. There was definitely something inside me that was SCREAMING for me to go back and do what actually made me happy. I didn’t listen to that voice. My voice. The voice of my conscience. My mother’s voice. -_-

Looking back now, I have realized that to be happy, it isn’t what society tells me that I need, it is what I want/need to do and be which will make me happy. MY decisions will make me happy because I will make decisions to make myself happy.

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