I legitimately hate nights like this. All it takes is a few thoughts to spiral myself into an insomia. I try and try, but sleep does not come. I’ve already popped some benadryl and melatonin which has had little effect so far. Maybe if I wrote down what’s going through my head I will be able to clear my mind for sleep. 

My worries of a close friend. She has disappeared so abruptly from my life and it hurts. We were so close I felt, but for other reasons she had to distance herself. I have so many thoughts as to who caused this and why. I never expected to find such a great friend, but we took on immediately. I miss her texting me back, sharing jokes, and just spending time together. My heart aches and my head reels of this emptiness. It’s so frustrating that we cannot be together. I can only imagine how she feels as well. My thoughts are my worst enemy.

Does she feel the same? Is she ok with this separation? Do I give into doubt and think if there are other reasons than what she’s given me already? Do I even have the right to doubt her?

It’s times like this I wish I still had my Ex. If only for the convenience of him being there if I need him. I know it’s purely physical, but I do miss him. I did love him, if only as a friend in the end. I know I did the right thing for us by breaking it off, but why is it still so hard after so long? Is it true you really never get over your first love? Why must I doubt myself like this? I do not regret it, but I do feel lonely. Is that why I miss him? Because I am lonely? 

I try so hard to build relationships with people. I want a good strong connection with someone. I found that with them, but in the end it didn’t work? Is that what my life will be? Never fully finding that connection? How do I get away from this loneliness, this deep seated emotional sadness and longing that I feel? 

I wish I could just turn off these emotions that I have, it hurts and it’s distracting. Is it appropriate to feel abandoned right now? I’m always told by people to call them if I need anything, but how many of them can I really truly trust with the weight of my soul?

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