My Self-esteem, My Confidence

I will throw it out there right off, the view I have of myself has many faucets and dynamics. I know I am not physically what the media portrays as “sexy” or “desirable” and I’m definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. I know this, so I have a different kind of self-esteem and confidence, especially depending on where I am and how well I know who is around me, basically if I care or not. 

If I’m in a club, I don’t really care what anyone thinks of me, so my body posture is more aloof as I don’t go there looking to satisfy physical urges; however, I do still want to seem somewhat attractive so my body language is more relaxed (It sounds more complicated than it is I’m sure). All I really want to do is dance and have a fun time with my friends. 

When I’m in the gym, I’m focused on working out. I do check out the other guys though as they are quite sexy and their physiques are what I aspire to. I do wonder how often they actually notice me looking at them as it’s extremely hard to resist. It also makes me wonder if they like being looked at. How do they view a guy looking at them? Does it excite them? Make them mad? Make them feel more confident because guys are also noticing their hard work? 

Story time:

I always see this beautiful man working out; he has a small waist, big arms and chest, pretty face and nice ass and legs. I’ve seen him almost everyday for 3 months. I cannot help glancing at him in his white tank top and workout pants. I think today he finally noticed me glace at him.

I was almost ready to leave, standing in front of the mirror, and he came into the locker room and went through to the restroom. As he walked by, he looked directly at me and I looked at him, eye contact for a good 2 seconds. I quickly looked away in all the awkwardness. When he returned from the restroom, his tank top was off in all his muscular, hairy-chested perfection, and he walked to the other side of me to a bench where he put his foot up on a bench in a show of retying his shoe. It was obviously not untied. 

He left the locker room a good minute or so before me so he had plenty of time to leave the gym completely if that’s what he wanted. As I walked out of the locker room, there he was “preoccupied” with the scale by the trainers. He looked back over at me and started to leave. He held the door out for me and said “have a nice day!” as we both left. My heart was racing and all I could manage was “Thanks! You too!” with a super shy smile. 
After that I could only think was ‘what the hell was wrong with me?!’

I have been in many situations like this in the gym or public, but I’m always afraid of striking up conversation. I can’t help thinking of this as someone trying to hit on me, but I never know if it is legitimate or someone honestly being nice. In a straight society you can never be sure unless the other person is that forward.

The many sexual and other situations/encounters that I’ve had make me wonder what it is that draws people to me. While I’ve been with a lot of guys throughout my life (to be continued in another blog), it has been the same with everyone. Something about me brings them in and brings them back, but there is also something that steers them clear. I feel that there may be some kind of vibe I put out that just makes me approachable, whether it is someone asking some random question or some sort of, well I don’t know!

Those that are attracted to me don’t tend to forget about me either. I don’t want to sound cocky or overly confident, but it’s true. 

I have some weird luck I’ve noticed. While I do get the occasional weirdo that doesn’t give up even when I say “No”, I also get very quality types of guys that come into my life. No one actually stays long, but that’s because I don’t let them or that’s not what they are looking for. While there’s some I wouldn’t mind keeping around, my judgement with the situation says “No”, as well as their disinterest after they get what they want. (Insert winky face here) 

In summary, I am not a perfect physical specimen, however there is something that brings people into my life. I don’t know whether to chalk it up to fate, or random luck, but it happens to be a thing for me. 

What is this that causes me to be desired? Is it something physiological as it typically happens only in person? Is it pheromones? Is it my cologne? Is it my personality? I don’t know if I will know for sure, but I have theories. 

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