Friendship or Fallacy?

I’ve woken up this morning with one topic plaguing my mind. I see posts on social media about the same topic all the time. It was on my mind a little one day last week too and it seems to be coming up more and more lately. The complaint is “people will make an effort to be in your life if they want to be”. Well, lately I feel this is more true than I have thought before.

I have a very small handful of people that actually hit me up on their own without me having to facilitate conversation first. My ex used to when we were together, one of my friends from Florida will when she isn’t too busy with life, and every few months, give or take, a few other friends may say hi. Because of this, I cannot help but wonder what it is that has caused all of my “friends” to not a) initiate conversation or b) respond to my outreach.

It is obvious to me that they do not regard me the same way that I do them. We value our friendship differently from one another.

Is it my personality driving people back? I can’t be so sure. I have friends that will hang out with me once in a while and always say afterwards “omg that was so much fun! Why don’t we hang out more?!” Well, I’m thinking it has something to do with you actually responding back when I hit you up.

I am being ghosted by friends that I thought were closer to me than that, but I guess that’s a fallacy all in itself. I’ve never taken it personally being ignored, but I do move on to the next friend almost immediately. I sometimes feel emotionally dead/bankrupt.

I wonder if it’s my looks? Then again, maybe not; but who is to really know unless you ask? Logic says they wouldn’t be my ‘friends’ in the first place if this were true.

The thing I am saddest about all this is the fact that I am question my friendships in the first place. I don’t have any qualms with those that I message and get a response from even when it’s negative, because hey! at least you acknowledged my message and responded instead of ignoring me completely.

I don’t want it to show, but I am hurt deeply by those that don’t acknowledge my efforts to be friends. It definitely shows where I stand as your friend however, and this is where I think I must start to purge those toxicities from my life. These are causing negativity in many forms and it is not good for me. I’m smarter than people seem to think. I sent you a message, I know you’ve seen it. In today’s world of social media and constant communication, you cannot lie and tell me you didn’t get it, but yes, I’ll play dumb and take your excuse and forgive you, this time, and every time.

Because of my personality and how I’ve grown up, I put effort into my relationships and care deeply and passionately about those I love and value. To not have that returned is scarring on the deepest levels. On the flip side of that, I am also not one to give up completely.

I walk away from those friendships, but when they show back up, I just jump right back in where we left off. Those scars are hidden deep within myself and I never let people see them.

Do you like hurting people? Does your integrity mean nothing? Are your values and morals suffocating from your lack of caring?

Sinning is a learning experience…

Be forewarned this topic is Rated R for adult themes.

It has been easy being celibate. The hard part is to get past the urges and the memories of the flesh from before. I find myself falling into pornography every once in a while to relieve the tension, and once in a while I fight the urge to go out and give in to lustful encounters. It is usually at this point that I move towards porn. I know this is just as bad as acting since it is all considered “sinful” to give into these desires of the flesh. 

I feel thus far that I have done a good job at not straying too far off of the path. While I am still on dating apps, I have not gone after meeting anyone yet as I would rather get to know people for the long haul. I’m, in a way, focused on myself; making my life more active on my time off, being more social with friends and family, being more healthy, and walking my path with God. The hardest part in all of this has been keeping a consistent support team around me. 

I don’t feel as though I have those that are close enough to me that know my plights that can relate enough right now to support me. I have been using this realization to keep me talking to God and remind myself that He is all the support I really need. The sins of life have been ever close with the distance attained by those who were close to me the last few months. 

I remind myself not to fall into those sins of being a whore, of ego, and selfishness. I push myself further while trying to better myself, to increase my understanding of others, to increase my patience and temper those aspects of myself that do not enhance my well-being and life. 

I have recently succumbed to my greed and traded my 2015 car in for a new 2017 car that is more expensive. I reason these evils out so that they do not seem so bad at the time. I put myself into situations that are not good, and then I feel bad about walking away and leaving the other person “hanging” as I feel it jeopardizes my integrity.

I will admit I have pride in my integrity as it is one of my finest qualities. I am honest and trustworthy to a fault these days and there’s no way around that, not that I would want that anyway.

All in all, I feel as though I have been weak, but at the same time, other qualities make me strong. I must remember to remind myself of these good qualities and to fix those that aren’t good. I must remain vigilant and attentive to my actions so that I do not wrong those that I love, because putting them through pain causes me pain as well. 

I feel as though my sins and not so good qualities are learning experiences that are helping to mold me into the person that I am meant to be. 

Moving on…

As positive as I have been trying to be about my life with all the change that’s been happening, it’s hard to process some things. One of my friends that helped bring me closer to God has ghosted me. What makes me sad is that the last time we talked, we had such an awesome day together, just hanging out, doing errands and talking. I don’t know what happened during that time for her to basically check out, but it happened non-the-less. 

It’s not for lack of trying on my part. I have text her and asked our other friends if she’s ok and what’s going on, but I repeatedly get that “she’s got a lot going on”. What this says to me is that you just don’t care enough to factor in a response to my worries about you. 

I’m now actively searching for peace of mind with this, as we have previously established that God brings people into your life for a certain reason and then when that goal has been met, they move on. Its definitely painful though when you consider how close you may be to that particular person. 

At this point, all I can do is take it for what it is and move forward. I am not upset with God in my ignorance of his plan, I only feel sad at the loss of a good friend. I will look back with fondness and look forward to the bright future ahead!

Goth night?

I humored my friend and finally attended “Goth Night” at a local club. It happens to be in a club I used to frequent when I was younger, but when it was an 18+ gay club. The vibe was quote the same for me as it was back then with it’s large, dark rooms. The rooms were all the same except got a few small changes. It was nostalgic for me at the very least. As for the change in culture that know surrounded this place? Well, it’s quite different. 

It’s an extremely interesting experience. The music is loud and electronic and the people are different. I look at them and I do not judge them as they are here and apart of this culture because of what they have experienced in their lives. 

Their dancing is not the traditional type you would see in a normal club, but they are expressing themselves through dance nontheless. They are “feeling themselves”. Their music is about being weird, queer, and family issues. The beats are very high energy and dancy. 

Here they have freedom. The freedom to be who they are and express themselves, something many of them may not have or have ever had the luxury of doing. They dress differently and act differently than most and are judged daily just for trying to be who they feel that they are. 

In observation, it seems like they are not immune to being normal club goers. There are still wall flowers and there are still those looking to hook up by the end of the night. 

I wonder what kind of issues they do have in their lives/pasts which has turned them to this culture. Most are not unattractive, so it makes you wonder what their self esteem is like and why. 

I give them all the credit in the world as they have great confidence to be able to be themselves unapologetically.