I have/had a date!!!

As I sit here at Starbucks waiting on my first date in 3 years, I am forced to reminisce of the past. Of course I think of my ex and the emotional pain that moved me to tears last week as the 1 year anniversary of out split came around (as much as I didn’t think on it, my body reminded me and forced me to cry on my way to work). I also sit and think of this man I am about to meet.

We met on a dating app for gay, furry men and those that love them. He’s 13 years older than myself, but I’m ok with that. He seems to be a very busy man with his new home and his job. We have been texting for over a month and things finally panned out to finally meet. It took until I gave up on planning, and saying he’s busy and that he should hit me up when has time, for him to finally spur him to make a plan and actually meet.

I do admit that the last reschedule was my own doing since I had forgotten that I had already made plans with friends for a hike. I hate pulling out of plans that I already said I would attend. Integrity means a lot to me, so of course I had to cancel the newer plans.

He just arrived so I must continue this later.

One hour later.

Well, that was shorter lived than expected. He’s a very busy guy after all, and he did mention all the busy-ness that he had going on for the day. We chatted about the very basics. It was hard to maintain my thought processes, both because it was loud in the venue and I kept staring at him and getting sidetracked.

He was very attractive, more than his pictures let on. He caught me staring every now and then and is get flustered and blush. I loved the way he smiled and gave those side grins. I can honestly say I’m pretty smitten with him. I’m not sure if it’s the look, the body language or just the whole package. I felt I wasn’t the best of conservators today, and didn’t think he would want to hang out again, but he mentioned it a few times. I wanted to hold off on texting him as long as I could so as not to seem desperate, but I couldn’t. I texted him after about 40 min and he replied! He noticed how loud it was in our venue and wanted yo hang out somewhere quieter and more private, which I agreed to. He also noted I looked “sexy”, which is beyond any of my understanding! Haha.

We texted for a while longer and then we went about our business. I texted him a few times a bit later and he hasn’t responded. Of course I may be overthinkinh it, but I’m afraid he wasn’t as interested after our conversation. Time will tell!

Lost Feelings

I think what I miss the most about being in a relationship is not feeling alone and the intimacy. I think this is probably one of the most depressing parts about not having someone to share in your life. It is almost like you’re missing something out of your life, running but that other part that’s missing doesn’t complete you it just enhances your current life.

It has almost been a full year since I’ve called it quits with my ex, approximately 11 and a half months now. I found myself thinking about him often lately, even though I know what I did on breaking it off was the right thing to do. It was a toxic relationship, but I still miss the companionship.

As hard as I try and as hard as my friends may try, there has been nothing so far to fill the void I’m not having that companionship, that closeness, that intimacy, or that feeling of being so very alone. I love my friends dearly for all they’ve done for me, but unfortunately I do not think it will ever fill the void.

So many times I have said that I give up on love and that I’m just going to focus on me. I end up always finding myself back in the clutches of Hope and looking for love in all the wrong places. When I do this I always get more depressed because I know that I may not find exactly what I’m looking for where I’m looking for it.

I found myself reveling in self-destructive behavior. Certain songs make me emotional even though they don’t have any memories attached to them. Sometimes I find myself thinking too much about everything. It is times like these that I try to turn to God so that he may save me and deliver me from the thoughts inside my head.

Oh Lord, oh my God, I pray to you to please help me and Deliver Me from these thoughts in my head. Please let me feel your love, your light, and your love. Amen.

This guy…

This guy. I have no idea why he has me feeling this way and why I think about him so much. We talked that first time for a bit, but it wasn’t anything that earthshaking. The more I glance up, the more I see him glace over. Am I just over thinking it and seeing what I want to see? Am I being a creeper by continually going back to see him? Why is this going through my head at all? How is it that this guy has me like this?

There’s so many signs that he wants to talk to me too, but am I mistaking them? Ugh!

He went so far as to even approach when I wasn’t along this time, asked how my weekend was and even gave me a handshake. Is the handshake weird? Did he do it so it didn’t seem weird since I wasn’t alone? I have so many questions and zero answers. My friend even “left to talk on the phone” so she could leave an opening for him to come over. I looked up when he walked by to his table nearby and i KNOW he noticed. We caught eachothers eye and my heart skipped a beat. I got a rush of adrenaline hoping he was going to come over, but he didn’t.

My biggest fears are that I don’t want to a) scare him away, and b) make this super awkward (which it just may be already). I just had a thought though. What if I test him? What if I don’t come in next weekend and just come in the next week and see if he mentions it? I’m I doing too much with all this right now? Is this really not as complicated as I’m making it out to be? Why does this torture me so much? Ahhhh!!!

I even find myself thinking of all these scenarios (all ending well) of finally getting his number or even just getting to see and talk. It’s all a bunch of perfect scenes where he approaches and I play the blushing maiden (definitely no maiden but you know what I mean). I imagine what our times would be like together even though I know nothing about him really.

I can’t say I have ever felt this kind of way before and it’s a little nerve-racking. This…unkown situation. Where we don’t know if he’s gay or straight, if he’s even into me, or if I’m just over-thinking it to the max.

I can only sit here and pray that this is the path I am supposed to be on. I know God is having me to through this for a reason, I just wish I knew why. I trust in Him to know what I need to do and I trust that He will show me where to go and what to do next.

Feeling some type of way…

Last Sunday I started my day with church. I decided to head downtown to sit in a coffee shop and do my homework afterward. I sat sketching for a good 2 or 3 hours until I had finished. Once done I decided it was time for a change of scenery, my response to this was to head to a different coffee shop in another part of town. It was a particularly hot day so I sat with an iced coffee under the shade of a huge tree and worked on my English writing class’ homework. It wasn’t too heavy as it was just a reading and to write an essay.

After a time I became bored of my homework so I decided to walk around. I entered a local gay bar where I got some water and sat. I love to people watch at the local gay bars, but at 3pm on a Sunday, it was not cracking. After 20 min and 3 glasses of water, I moved to the bier Halle up the block. I got seated outside at my request regardless of the heat. A young 20 something woman came up to me and asked my drink order (more water), she was to be my server. After 2 or 3 min a guy walks up and introduces himself as my server instead. Now I don’t know if this was purposeful on his part or if it was server rotation issues, but I didn’t care. I didn’t catch his name as I wasn’t paying attention to him that closely. He took my order and walked away. After a few min he came back to chat with me. I thought he was very friendly and actually rather handsome.

We held a pretty good conversation regardless of his other tables. He never neglected them but he always came back to talk to me. After the 4th time, I noticed the connection and decided to give him my number the next time he came to my table. Unfortunately he didn’t return after 30 minutes and I had to leave to finish homework as it was already 630pm.

All the way home I couldn’t stop thinking of him so I made a plan to go back this upcoming Sunday to try again. I ended up back there with a few guy friends Saturday night for a few cocktails and to my deligh, he was there! I purposefully chose a table near one of his current ones so as to put myself within eyesight. He didn’t acknowledge me the whole time I was there (much to my chagrin). I figured that maybe he wasn’t interested like I had thought, and we left. I did not return on Sunday as planned after Saturday evenings awakening.

Fast forward to Monday around 6pm, my bestie and I agreed to have a drink at said bier Halle before heading home. We arrived and sat at the bar where we ordered drinks and food. After a few minutes, he walked into the bier Halle for his shift. I had no idea he would be there today, so I was pleasantly surprised. I promptly pointed him out to my bestie who agreed with my assessment of his good looks. After a while we caught eachothers eyes and nodded a greeting and acknowledgement, nothing more.

Once finished with our drinks and food, my bestie proceeded to go across the bar to chat a guy up she had an interest in. This is when he showed up! He stood next to me, facing me, leaning nonchalantly on the bar. He asked how my weekend was and we made a little small talk. He had to go care for his other tables so I waited for his return. I was excited to know he was still interested in our conversation after all!

I took the time while he was gone to write my name and number on a piece of paper. He never stopped back by. I was a little disappointed, but I have hope! I will be putting plan b back into motion this next weekend to finally give him my number.

I feel silly and foolish over this whole thing, but something about him and the way he looks at me when we talk…it makes me feel some type if way I have never felt before. The unfortunate side is that I really don’t even know if he is gay or just wants friends. So I will definitely update you once I know next week!

Friendship or Fallacy?

I’ve woken up this morning with one topic plaguing my mind. I see posts on social media about the same topic all the time. It was on my mind a little one day last week too and it seems to be coming up more and more lately. The complaint is “people will make an effort to be in your life if they want to be”. Well, lately I feel this is more true than I have thought before.

I have a very small handful of people that actually hit me up on their own without me having to facilitate conversation first. My ex used to when we were together, one of my friends from Florida will when she isn’t too busy with life, and every few months, give or take, a few other friends may say hi. Because of this, I cannot help but wonder what it is that has caused all of my “friends” to not a) initiate conversation or b) respond to my outreach.

It is obvious to me that they do not regard me the same way that I do them. We value our friendship differently from one another.

Is it my personality driving people back? I can’t be so sure. I have friends that will hang out with me once in a while and always say afterwards “omg that was so much fun! Why don’t we hang out more?!” Well, I’m thinking it has something to do with you actually responding back when I hit you up.

I am being ghosted by friends that I thought were closer to me than that, but I guess that’s a fallacy all in itself. I’ve never taken it personally being ignored, but I do move on to the next friend almost immediately. I sometimes feel emotionally dead/bankrupt.

I wonder if it’s my looks? Then again, maybe not; but who is to really know unless you ask? Logic says they wouldn’t be my ‘friends’ in the first place if this were true.

The thing I am saddest about all this is the fact that I am question my friendships in the first place. I don’t have any qualms with those that I message and get a response from even when it’s negative, because hey! at least you acknowledged my message and responded instead of ignoring me completely.

I don’t want it to show, but I am hurt deeply by those that don’t acknowledge my efforts to be friends. It definitely shows where I stand as your friend however, and this is where I think I must start to purge those toxicities from my life. These are causing negativity in many forms and it is not good for me. I’m smarter than people seem to think. I sent you a message, I know you’ve seen it. In today’s world of social media and constant communication, you cannot lie and tell me you didn’t get it, but yes, I’ll play dumb and take your excuse and forgive you, this time, and every time.

Because of my personality and how I’ve grown up, I put effort into my relationships and care deeply and passionately about those I love and value. To not have that returned is scarring on the deepest levels. On the flip side of that, I am also not one to give up completely.

I walk away from those friendships, but when they show back up, I just jump right back in where we left off. Those scars are hidden deep within myself and I never let people see them.

Do you like hurting people? Does your integrity mean nothing? Are your values and morals suffocating from your lack of caring?

Sinning is a learning experience…

Be forewarned this topic is Rated R for adult themes.

It has been easy being celibate. The hard part is to get past the urges and the memories of the flesh from before. I find myself falling into pornography every once in a while to relieve the tension, and once in a while I fight the urge to go out and give in to lustful encounters. It is usually at this point that I move towards porn. I know this is just as bad as acting since it is all considered “sinful” to give into these desires of the flesh. 

I feel thus far that I have done a good job at not straying too far off of the path. While I am still on dating apps, I have not gone after meeting anyone yet as I would rather get to know people for the long haul. I’m, in a way, focused on myself; making my life more active on my time off, being more social with friends and family, being more healthy, and walking my path with God. The hardest part in all of this has been keeping a consistent support team around me. 

I don’t feel as though I have those that are close enough to me that know my plights that can relate enough right now to support me. I have been using this realization to keep me talking to God and remind myself that He is all the support I really need. The sins of life have been ever close with the distance attained by those who were close to me the last few months. 

I remind myself not to fall into those sins of being a whore, of ego, and selfishness. I push myself further while trying to better myself, to increase my understanding of others, to increase my patience and temper those aspects of myself that do not enhance my well-being and life. 

I have recently succumbed to my greed and traded my 2015 car in for a new 2017 car that is more expensive. I reason these evils out so that they do not seem so bad at the time. I put myself into situations that are not good, and then I feel bad about walking away and leaving the other person “hanging” as I feel it jeopardizes my integrity.

I will admit I have pride in my integrity as it is one of my finest qualities. I am honest and trustworthy to a fault these days and there’s no way around that, not that I would want that anyway.

All in all, I feel as though I have been weak, but at the same time, other qualities make me strong. I must remember to remind myself of these good qualities and to fix those that aren’t good. I must remain vigilant and attentive to my actions so that I do not wrong those that I love, because putting them through pain causes me pain as well. 

I feel as though my sins and not so good qualities are learning experiences that are helping to mold me into the person that I am meant to be. 

Moving on…

As positive as I have been trying to be about my life with all the change that’s been happening, it’s hard to process some things. One of my friends that helped bring me closer to God has ghosted me. What makes me sad is that the last time we talked, we had such an awesome day together, just hanging out, doing errands and talking. I don’t know what happened during that time for her to basically check out, but it happened non-the-less. 

It’s not for lack of trying on my part. I have text her and asked our other friends if she’s ok and what’s going on, but I repeatedly get that “she’s got a lot going on”. What this says to me is that you just don’t care enough to factor in a response to my worries about you. 

I’m now actively searching for peace of mind with this, as we have previously established that God brings people into your life for a certain reason and then when that goal has been met, they move on. Its definitely painful though when you consider how close you may be to that particular person. 

At this point, all I can do is take it for what it is and move forward. I am not upset with God in my ignorance of his plan, I only feel sad at the loss of a good friend. I will look back with fondness and look forward to the bright future ahead!

Goth night?

I humored my friend and finally attended “Goth Night” at a local club. It happens to be in a club I used to frequent when I was younger, but when it was an 18+ gay club. The vibe was quote the same for me as it was back then with it’s large, dark rooms. The rooms were all the same except got a few small changes. It was nostalgic for me at the very least. As for the change in culture that know surrounded this place? Well, it’s quite different. 

It’s an extremely interesting experience. The music is loud and electronic and the people are different. I look at them and I do not judge them as they are here and apart of this culture because of what they have experienced in their lives. 

Their dancing is not the traditional type you would see in a normal club, but they are expressing themselves through dance nontheless. They are “feeling themselves”. Their music is about being weird, queer, and family issues. The beats are very high energy and dancy. 

Here they have freedom. The freedom to be who they are and express themselves, something many of them may not have or have ever had the luxury of doing. They dress differently and act differently than most and are judged daily just for trying to be who they feel that they are. 

In observation, it seems like they are not immune to being normal club goers. There are still wall flowers and there are still those looking to hook up by the end of the night. 

I wonder what kind of issues they do have in their lives/pasts which has turned them to this culture. Most are not unattractive, so it makes you wonder what their self esteem is like and why. 

I give them all the credit in the world as they have great confidence to be able to be themselves unapologetically. 

To be a better person…

Ever since I have started going back to church I have been trying to be a better version of me. I’m not saying that I wasn’t a good person before, but I have tried to become more understanding of others and change my attitude towards them. I feel that before I was a compassionate and loving person, but I wasn’t at my best. 

I feel there is always room to become better. Whether it is in our physical, social, mental, or spiritual lives, there is always room to become better. I remember a poem when I was in elementary school. I was always in trouble for something so I was in the principal’s office often. The poem is as follows:

Good, better, best,

Never let it rest,

Until your good is better 

Or until your better’s best!

This has stuck with me forever, through thick and thin, this is a poem I’ll never forget. I’ve noticed recently that, as a person, I continually strive for better buy constantly get held back by my own thoughts. For those things in life that are monumental to start, I don’t stop them easily. It’s like they have their own inertia that pushes me and keeps me going. 

I thank God and pray everyday when i remember to. I pray that I may gain freedom from debt, depression, anger and laziness. I pray for my friends and their own happiness. I pray for the safety of those around me that I love and even those that I don’t know. I pray for God’s love, forgiveness and acceptance for everyone, and I pray to be a better person.