Thoughtful moments.

Do you ever look at someone and just think about them? What is their story? What kind of situation are they in? How is their life? Are they happy, sad or content with their life and how it is progressing? What kind of person are they?

I see a man in the sporty little 2 door beater car next to me at the stop light. He looks to be fit and in his early 20s, with a stubby beard and a flannel with the sleeves rolled up to the elbow. His hands look rough like he works on cars or a farm. What will his future be like? Where is he going from here? What was his journey like through life that brought him to this point?

These thoughts roll over me once in a while when I have the chance to slow down and be reflective. I see people and wonder what brought them to this point of their lives, and what they have experienced in their life. Our lives and time here are interesting to so the very least. We look forward into the future thinking we don’t have enough time, but when we look back, we think of all the things we could have done and/or done differently. How we treat others around us is a major thing. The relationships and experiences we have with those around us are based on our views, and what we perceive and know of those people, or how we judge them. 

I know that I may never judge anyone for a single thing, and nor should we, because we do not know the people we perceive, or their circumstance. How do you know this person is not a quality person just by judging them of how they look? People may grow out of their circumstance and make changes, they do not need to be victims of it; however, without the drive and passion to do so, it paralyzes you which prevents you from change. At what point do we accept a person, their choices or their behavior, by blaming it on their circumstance? 

I am not immune to judging others no matter how much I wish I didn’t. I absolutely hate the fact that I can look at a person and inwardly flinch just because of the way they look and I find myself thinking things I shouldn’t. I always reprimand myself after I think such things of others. 

Is this natural? In some ways I believe it is, and in others I think not, but we can explore this topic in another blog. 

Why do I feel this way still?

Why is it when I close my eyes, you come into my head? I try to forget about you, but there you are. I try to get over you, but I can’t. I try to stop loving you, but I can’t, I won’t. No matter what you stick with me. 

Did I love you more than I thought? Did I love the idea of finally having someone? Were we a perfect match regardless of all our flaws? The things I broke up with you over, were they really worth it? I do not regret it, but I do question it. I question it when I’m lonely. When you pop into my mind unwanted. 

Is this what love and heartache is supposed to be? Am I supposed to think of you this much even though it has been 6 months? Am I missing you or the thought of you? Am I missing having someone who loves me as much as you? We were only together for a year and a half and only saw one another (mostly) on weekends. 

I feel i shouldn’t be this emotional about you still. I wonder if a part of me is broken even though it is my own doing. Will I ever be over you? Will I compare my future lovers and relationships to you? Do you even miss me? Do you think of me?

I know you moved on so quickly, only 3 weeks later and already in a new relationship. Part of me questioned how that was achieved if you were 100% committed to me anyway. You seemed to take our breakup better than expected, but how much of it did I not see vs what I did?

Why am I even still questioning anything? I know I need a connection with someone. Some sort of thing that’s intimate, but won’t break my heart. Does that even exist? 

Why? Why do I feel so broken…torn…sad… where do I get all of this pain? Why do you have this effect on me still?! It makes me angry because everything was so perfect in my head, or at least it should have been. Why did I let myself get to this point? Why do you instill in me the feeling of wanting to cry and yet be so frustrated at the same time?

Are you there God?

I’ve always struggled with religion, and now that I’ve come to terms with being gay, it’s even more of a struggle. I’ve always followed the philosophies of Bhuddhism, and always trying to be a good person. 

Growing up I’ve never been a fan of organized religion as it always turns out being the bad guy in situations. Followers are seen as fanatics, crazy, or just weird. My ego has always kept me away from the church because, while I don’t care, I do care about what others think of me; I also never want to do anything that will embarrass me. 

Now, I’ve grown up next door to a family of pretty religious people and I consider them family just as they do of me as well. We all have knowm eachother for about 27 or so years. I have always envied how honest, nice, caring, considerate, happy and perfect they all are. I know they are not all of these things all of the time, but they are exemplary people in my book and I aspire to be like them. 

One of their sons was done with church the way I am and fought tooth and nail to never go again because of how it is portrayed and makes him feel. After a few years he finally agreed to go because of everything going on in his life and he felt he needed help. He went and they prayed for him. With this, he felt nothing. As they were leaving at the end of the service, a woman came to him and said “God wanted me to heal you.” She simply touched him and he felt a wave go through his body and he began to cry. 

In my eyes he has never been one to cry; he’s always been tough, went through the marines and went to war three times in Iraq. To hear that he, an outspoken and forward person, was crying and speechless, makes me feel this may be the place for me to find God. 

I have fears and reservations still about going along with questions. I fear nothing will happen to me, that I won’t find God after all. I have never felt him or seen a sign when I ask for one, but am I mistaking the signs? I fear that maybe, if he is real after all, that I have been abandoned. Will I still receive his love for all the things I’ve done? Will he accept me as I am? Will he take the gay away or smite me because of it? Are these things that are even things to worry about? 

All of the evidence from my friends and family, testimonies, point to God being real in this instance. My head thinks so many thoughts about God, deep thoughts that tend to paralyze me and make me afraid. In retrospect, all I can think is “what am I really afraid of here?” If He’s real and I never found him, what will happen to me? If I find him, how will my life change? Will he let gays find him? I guess we will have to find out. 

I have plans to go this upcoming weekend with my neighbors. We will see what happens from here.

Are you single?

It’s always interesting when you get a drunken message at 1am from a friend and there are the words “Are you single?” 

I received this message from a straight guy who is a previous marine (yea there is more to the message, but this is the main issue in my head right now). I have no idea how to view this question. Granted yes, he was drunk at the time of sending, but the vibe of the whole situation has led me astray. Who asks this unless you’re hoping to date that person or maybe see them more on some sort of sexual basis? Or at least that is my impression of why the question is typically asked. 

I would have no qualms being this man’s significant other or even sexual satisfaction of curiosity. I cannot say I would be totally submissive, but it would be a thing. Anyways, all day today we texted back and forth, speaking of anything and everything. I tested the waters of sexual things and he only played into it more, which obviously makes me (over)think more about this. 

I purposely led him to topics for sexual innuendos and beat around the bush on what gets me “going’. He didn’t seem to flinch at all! See now, what’s interesting as well, is our history. 

We met through a mutual friend and his girl over dinner. I thought he was funny, chill, and pretty cool, so we added one another on Facebook. I cannot remember but this may have been the only time we have met in person. We have played videogames online a few times together, and other than that, it has been liking and sharing Facebook posts. 

Well, after 2 years, he has popped up and asked this question and requests that we actually hang out in person more. While I am attracted to him, I also would like to hang out more, so I am in aggreeance to his plan. 

Who knows what will really happen here? What is the true motive or spurring of the random outreach? 

All I can do is remain active in his life and see where things go. I will admit this sort of exciting!

My Self-esteem, My Confidence

I will throw it out there right off, the view I have of myself has many faucets and dynamics. I know I am not physically what the media portrays as “sexy” or “desirable” and I’m definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. I know this, so I have a different kind of self-esteem and confidence, especially depending on where I am and how well I know who is around me, basically if I care or not. 

If I’m in a club, I don’t really care what anyone thinks of me, so my body posture is more aloof as I don’t go there looking to satisfy physical urges; however, I do still want to seem somewhat attractive so my body language is more relaxed (It sounds more complicated than it is I’m sure). All I really want to do is dance and have a fun time with my friends. 

When I’m in the gym, I’m focused on working out. I do check out the other guys though as they are quite sexy and their physiques are what I aspire to. I do wonder how often they actually notice me looking at them as it’s extremely hard to resist. It also makes me wonder if they like being looked at. How do they view a guy looking at them? Does it excite them? Make them mad? Make them feel more confident because guys are also noticing their hard work? 

Story time:

I always see this beautiful man working out; he has a small waist, big arms and chest, pretty face and nice ass and legs. I’ve seen him almost everyday for 3 months. I cannot help glancing at him in his white tank top and workout pants. I think today he finally noticed me glace at him.

I was almost ready to leave, standing in front of the mirror, and he came into the locker room and went through to the restroom. As he walked by, he looked directly at me and I looked at him, eye contact for a good 2 seconds. I quickly looked away in all the awkwardness. When he returned from the restroom, his tank top was off in all his muscular, hairy-chested perfection, and he walked to the other side of me to a bench where he put his foot up on a bench in a show of retying his shoe. It was obviously not untied. 

He left the locker room a good minute or so before me so he had plenty of time to leave the gym completely if that’s what he wanted. As I walked out of the locker room, there he was “preoccupied” with the scale by the trainers. He looked back over at me and started to leave. He held the door out for me and said “have a nice day!” as we both left. My heart was racing and all I could manage was “Thanks! You too!” with a super shy smile. 
After that I could only think was ‘what the hell was wrong with me?!’

I have been in many situations like this in the gym or public, but I’m always afraid of striking up conversation. I can’t help thinking of this as someone trying to hit on me, but I never know if it is legitimate or someone honestly being nice. In a straight society you can never be sure unless the other person is that forward.

The many sexual and other situations/encounters that I’ve had make me wonder what it is that draws people to me. While I’ve been with a lot of guys throughout my life (to be continued in another blog), it has been the same with everyone. Something about me brings them in and brings them back, but there is also something that steers them clear. I feel that there may be some kind of vibe I put out that just makes me approachable, whether it is someone asking some random question or some sort of, well I don’t know!

Those that are attracted to me don’t tend to forget about me either. I don’t want to sound cocky or overly confident, but it’s true. 

I have some weird luck I’ve noticed. While I do get the occasional weirdo that doesn’t give up even when I say “No”, I also get very quality types of guys that come into my life. No one actually stays long, but that’s because I don’t let them or that’s not what they are looking for. While there’s some I wouldn’t mind keeping around, my judgement with the situation says “No”, as well as their disinterest after they get what they want. (Insert winky face here) 

In summary, I am not a perfect physical specimen, however there is something that brings people into my life. I don’t know whether to chalk it up to fate, or random luck, but it happens to be a thing for me. 

What is this that causes me to be desired? Is it something physiological as it typically happens only in person? Is it pheromones? Is it my cologne? Is it my personality? I don’t know if I will know for sure, but I have theories. 

Insomnia?

I legitimately hate nights like this. All it takes is a few thoughts to spiral myself into an insomia. I try and try, but sleep does not come. I’ve already popped some benadryl and melatonin which has had little effect so far. Maybe if I wrote down what’s going through my head I will be able to clear my mind for sleep. 

My worries of a close friend. She has disappeared so abruptly from my life and it hurts. We were so close I felt, but for other reasons she had to distance herself. I have so many thoughts as to who caused this and why. I never expected to find such a great friend, but we took on immediately. I miss her texting me back, sharing jokes, and just spending time together. My heart aches and my head reels of this emptiness. It’s so frustrating that we cannot be together. I can only imagine how she feels as well. My thoughts are my worst enemy.

Does she feel the same? Is she ok with this separation? Do I give into doubt and think if there are other reasons than what she’s given me already? Do I even have the right to doubt her?

It’s times like this I wish I still had my Ex. If only for the convenience of him being there if I need him. I know it’s purely physical, but I do miss him. I did love him, if only as a friend in the end. I know I did the right thing for us by breaking it off, but why is it still so hard after so long? Is it true you really never get over your first love? Why must I doubt myself like this? I do not regret it, but I do feel lonely. Is that why I miss him? Because I am lonely? 

I try so hard to build relationships with people. I want a good strong connection with someone. I found that with them, but in the end it didn’t work? Is that what my life will be? Never fully finding that connection? How do I get away from this loneliness, this deep seated emotional sadness and longing that I feel? 

I wish I could just turn off these emotions that I have, it hurts and it’s distracting. Is it appropriate to feel abandoned right now? I’m always told by people to call them if I need anything, but how many of them can I really truly trust with the weight of my soul?

Bathhouse

Be forewarned this topic is Rated R for adult themes. 

I try as hard as I can to be open minded and not be offended when someone doesn’t want me. I think the hardest part about being rejected for sex, even in a bathhouse, is that you feel more vulnerable. You are there, naked or wrapped in a towel with everything out there for the world to see. 

Everyone is there for the same thing: some sort of sexual or pleasurable release. So why then, can’t we look beyond the shallows and just enjoy ourselves like we are supposed to? I literally had a conversation with another naked man in the spa today. 

We spoke of how when we come to these places, the reason we are all there is the same, so then we (him and I) look beyond the shallow wading pools of depravity. We are there to satiate our lust in any way that feels good with anyone we feel will accomplish that. Plain. And. Simple. 

People watching in this environment is the most interesting anywhere. You get to see the gritty tangles of raunch and lust you normally wouldn’t in a public venue. You see people being rude, shady, spiteful, lustful, greedy, and even some gluttony. Seeing and interacting in this place is the most enthralling. 

You experience so much, especially once you have the attention of others. Some join in on your fun, some are just content to stand back and watch, and others will start their own thing. Everyone had their own things they are into. Some just want to touch you, or suck on something, lick something else and they are always going in for the kill, the orgasm. 

My new friend said that this is only a circumstance at this particular bathhouse. Other ones he has gone to in San Jose and Reno are a lot more…wholesome? Men are well mannered at these others and there isn’t this air of awkwardness and fear. This fear may come from the overwhelming number of “straight” married men that come in, as well as the possibility of a “raid” and the place being shut down. 

Anyways, while I understand everyone has their own preferences physically for who they want to bed with, there are better ways to go about telling someone than being rude. We are not mind readers nor do we automatically know what your type is. Yes we all saw you go instantly for that cute twink that just walked in, but that doesn’t mean you’re his type either. 

More on this in another blog to come!

The Melancholies

I always love these blustery, rainy days. Overcast forecasts make me feel gloomy and melancholy, but I love it anyway, especially when accompanied by some chill music. 

I love to listen to songs by Corinne Bailey Rae, Esthero, Colbie Caillat, and Jem among others. They put me in the mood to just kick back, relax, and reminisce. I love thinking of memories long passed, or just looking at the world with a clean, fresh view. 

This weather has the habit of taking all the pressure and stress away, turning me into a big ball of sweat pants and hoodies. It’s not all emotions of melancholy and relaxation though. 

Driving in the rain can make me frustrated at other drivers. One of my biggest peeves to pet is driving without headlights on when it’s foggy or rainy; however, driving with high beams on is also a no-no as it’s blindingly ignorant.

It’s days like this that make me want to nap all day and eat soup from the Chinese place up the road. Perhaps read a book, solve a puzzle, or just lay there contemplating life. 

Selfish or Selfless

It has been in my mind more recently as of late, that people have become more selfish. I will not shy away and say that I am perfect and am never selfish, as I most certainly can be. We all want what is best for ourselves, but at what point is it that we sacrifice of other’s well being for our own? 

We live in a community where we must interact with with one another, coexist, yet we don’t seem to care about the others unless it benefits us. We rarely see stories on the tv of people who are selfless, but when we do, it’s big news. When did this start to become news worthy? Why should being a good person, selfless, and helpful to others, need to be paraded on the tv? Does it really happen that infrequently that we must parade it around to temp people to do it selfishly for recognition?

For my family, friends, and the occasional stranger, I will go out of my way to help them with anything that they need help with. Most times that I offer help, I am rejected and I go on my way. 

Another gym story:

I am reminded of a Friday afternoon recently where I have just finished my workout. I head into the locker room to get my flip flops on for the sauna and as I round the corner, a man in a wheelchair comes into view. He is wet from a shower, naked and appears to be in his 70s. He is just sitting there, stating into his locker. I am wondering if he needs help, but I dismiss the idea of asking him and open my locker. It is then that I notice his left leg is amputated just above his knee.

I get my flip flops on head to the steam room. I think to myself that I should offer help and that I’m a terrible person if I don’t, but I feel too afraid at the same time. Many thoughts and excuses flood my head telling me “No”. The fear wins and I head out as planned. 

He is no longer in my mind as I am now in a hurry to finish my time in the sauna and steam room, then to shower and leave so I can meet up with my friend for dinner and a night out. As I get back into the locker room to undress for my shower, I come to find that the man is still there in his wheelchair and having made very little progress. I still feel bad for him, so finally, regardless of all of my excuses and thoughts I ask if he needs help. He declined. 

Part of me is relieved and part of me wonders if it was how I approached him. I didn’t tell him I work in the medical field and can help him if he needs, but I did offer at the very least. Since he declined, I get my towel and head to the shower. I still feel bad, but he did decline after all so I shouldn’t press the issue. It isn’t my place to be offended or feel bad once declined. I did what I could. So with that, I dress and leave. 

Why was I so relieved he didn’t need help? Was it because of the gray area in my job where if he got injured I could be sued just because of my medical training? Probably. Why was I so scared to ask in the first place? Why did I think so hard on deciding whether or not to help this gentleman? Would you have done the same? 

Another story: 

I had just finished working 8 hours and a few of my co-workers wanted to go hang out. Well, being the gayness that I am, I needed an outfit. Heaven forbid I go out in my work clothes which were really street clothes anyway. I headed to Target, one of my favorite stores. As I pull into my spot, I observe the area around me as it is downtown on Broadway, a little bit of a shady area. 

All I see around is a little old lady, who looked to be in her 80s, walking to her car pushing a heavy cart. She got a huge bag of dog food in the cart, goodness knows how she actually got it in there! I parked, and as I was walking toward the store, I saw her pop the trunk of her little old Queensland. 

Without a second thought I stopped and asked if she needed help. She blessed me (which seared my evil homosexual soul) and thanked me multiple times as I picked up the heavy bag and put it in the car. I said “No thanks necessary” but I’m sure it meant the world to her. 

This happened 5-6 years ago and I still remember how happy and thankful she was to this day. 

This experience was purely intended to help her without any want of recognition or reward. I share this as an example of the things we can do to help others, no expectations, no rewards as the deed in itself is purely the reward. 

I feel these days, that fear keeps us from doing everything we want to do. Whether it’s being selfless, adventurous, or anything else you could imagine that would prevent you from doing something. The world would be a better place if people were more selfless and less selfish. 

Mourning. Loss. 

It happened so fast, yet so slow. As we sit in the little chapel to mourn the loss of a loved one, I can only observe the sadness and emotions of others around me. I didn’t know him well and I saw him rarely, so I cannot share the same emotions those around me feel. 

I can mourn for him as a human, as a loss of life, a loss to those around me. I find myself shedding tears as I feel the sadness and happiness in the memories my cousin shares with us of her uncle. The pain in her voice is overcoming. 

I look at those around me here in this place of mourning. The right side of this chapel has a good amount of people, with the left side sparsely scattered, there is no set seating arrangement as we are all here for the same person. Family has come out from the wood-works that normally don’t show and you can tell there are rifts from troubles long passed. 

It’s a telling of people able to come together to honor someone regardless of their own rifts and troubles. Everyone is able to be under one roof, they may ignore those involved in their troubles, but it is plainly evident that there are people who all know of it is between and why. 

Still, we mourn. Loss is significant no matter on what scale you see it from. Are you the one departing? Who are you leaving behind? Why are you leaving us? Is it on purpose? Is it purely natural? Did you consider the feelings of those you leave behind and how it would affect them? Will the loss of you in our lives cause more rift or heal the ones already wounded?