Can you see me now? Who am I?

You would never know it if I had never told you about it. I am cheerful,, extroverted, optimistic, funny, forward, honest, genuine, and friendly. I’m sexually active, physically active, intelligent, alluring, charismatic, punny, lucky, chill, and excitable. You would never know that I am insecure, depressed, unhappy, self-destructive, weak, willfull, stubborn, a realistic bordering pessimism, emotional and hungry for attention. 

These are a few things that describe me. I forcibly show the world a side of me that is real, but it’s the biggest lie I tell. I hide my pain behind jokes and laughter. I hide my insecurities by pretending I have none, but when I look into the mirror, all I see is disgust. I have problems with body image and I fat shame myself. I take selfies and edit them to look great to feel better about myself. I have never gone to extremes with myself because of this, but it has crossed my mind. I have never hurt myself because I don’t want to hurt those I love.

I know people love me, but it doesn’t feel like it, so I tend go lash out with hurtful jokes. I still don’t know why I do this, but I speculate that psychologically I’m testing how much they truly love me. I don’t know if this is to make myself feel better because I have always felt insufficient, especially with my body image and the hate I endured as a fat kid always being picked on. I was always the “bad guy” at recess as a kid because the others wanted to be the winners, so I was the sacrificial fat kid, later the gay kid. 

Is this the reason I am the way I am? Is it because back then I was made to think as a bad guy to make friends and play with the other kids? Do I still hold onto that today? Do I joke mean things now because I need to be this bad guy, but spin it into a joke so that people still like me as an adult? 

I feel this has all contributed to my realistic type of view in life. I always try and see things in every different light that I can manage. I look at all viewpoints, whether they give me strength or doubt. I give people the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t lie, I’m honest to a fault; so much so, you can tell when I want to lie by how hard I think about it. I contort my face and fess-up even if the truth hurts to say or messes up my relationships because the other person doesn’t want to believe/hear it. Is my honesty there to make up for my negativity? 

Why must I hurt so much and yet hide it so vehemently? Why do we all hide our pain? Is it because its a sign of weakness? If we share, do we not get over it? If we struggle, do we not improve? If we ask for help, do we not receive it? Is hiding better for us than showing and being open? Is the judgement of others really that scary? Should we be teaching our children to “man up” or should we be teaching them that it’s ok to release the sadness and anger and to not keep it inside? How can we go about teaching and guiding others, to help their principles and morals to be strong and refined rather than weak and politically correct?

Are we the result of a weakened society? What are we doing wrong that these things happen? Why is it that our brains subconsciously hold on to things from so long ago and don’t change without active participation?

Will power. Discipline. Strength. Struggle. Morals. Principles. Why are these so weak today in our population?

Can you see my pain? My hidden eyes? The hurt? The wisdom? The experience? The pain?

Why do I feel this way still?

Why is it when I close my eyes, you come into my head? I try to forget about you, but there you are. I try to get over you, but I can’t. I try to stop loving you, but I can’t, I won’t. No matter what you stick with me. 

Did I love you more than I thought? Did I love the idea of finally having someone? Were we a perfect match regardless of all our flaws? The things I broke up with you over, were they really worth it? I do not regret it, but I do question it. I question it when I’m lonely. When you pop into my mind unwanted. 

Is this what love and heartache is supposed to be? Am I supposed to think of you this much even though it has been 6 months? Am I missing you or the thought of you? Am I missing having someone who loves me as much as you? We were only together for a year and a half and only saw one another (mostly) on weekends. 

I feel i shouldn’t be this emotional about you still. I wonder if a part of me is broken even though it is my own doing. Will I ever be over you? Will I compare my future lovers and relationships to you? Do you even miss me? Do you think of me?

I know you moved on so quickly, only 3 weeks later and already in a new relationship. Part of me questioned how that was achieved if you were 100% committed to me anyway. You seemed to take our breakup better than expected, but how much of it did I not see vs what I did?

Why am I even still questioning anything? I know I need a connection with someone. Some sort of thing that’s intimate, but won’t break my heart. Does that even exist? 

Why? Why do I feel so broken…torn…sad… where do I get all of this pain? Why do you have this effect on me still?! It makes me angry because everything was so perfect in my head, or at least it should have been. Why did I let myself get to this point? Why do you instill in me the feeling of wanting to cry and yet be so frustrated at the same time?