Yearly depression 

Around this time every year I stress and get depressed. I wonder to myself if people care about me or not. I know it’s silly of me to think this, but it still happens. I put myself into a depression because of it and it gets worse with each passing year. 

How do I expect people yo care of they don’t know? If I don’t say anything about it, no one would know. I cannot expect people to just pick up the gauntlet when they don’t know that I want them to. I think of all the things I would love at this time of year, and how they could be executed, but it always fails to happen.  I always have to get the ball rolling myself. I have to start the plans and then be let down when people don’t show. 

I get it, life happens. I feel that if you truly care enough you would find a way to make it work. For some, when this happens, it’s more offensive to me than when it occurs with others. I try not to be offended but it happens non-the-less. 

Why do I make such a fuss internally about this? Why is this something that’s so important even though it shouldn’t be? Is this why I vie for attention so often throughout the year, so that I can try and avoid the pain when this comes up?

My family does the same thing every year for everyone, a dinner with everyone that can be there. Typically it ends up pretty small, but I do enjoy it. 

I don’t care about going out and getting drunk, or acting up just because of this event in my life. I have been there and done it, and now it’s old. All I would like is to do something with those I care about, so I feel they care about me. Why do I expect this of my friends when I honestly shouldn’t?

Why do I think so much of my Birthday?

Are you single?

It’s always interesting when you get a drunken message at 1am from a friend and there are the words “Are you single?” 

I received this message from a straight guy who is a previous marine (yea there is more to the message, but this is the main issue in my head right now). I have no idea how to view this question. Granted yes, he was drunk at the time of sending, but the vibe of the whole situation has led me astray. Who asks this unless you’re hoping to date that person or maybe see them more on some sort of sexual basis? Or at least that is my impression of why the question is typically asked. 

I would have no qualms being this man’s significant other or even sexual satisfaction of curiosity. I cannot say I would be totally submissive, but it would be a thing. Anyways, all day today we texted back and forth, speaking of anything and everything. I tested the waters of sexual things and he only played into it more, which obviously makes me (over)think more about this. 

I purposely led him to topics for sexual innuendos and beat around the bush on what gets me “going’. He didn’t seem to flinch at all! See now, what’s interesting as well, is our history. 

We met through a mutual friend and his girl over dinner. I thought he was funny, chill, and pretty cool, so we added one another on Facebook. I cannot remember but this may have been the only time we have met in person. We have played videogames online a few times together, and other than that, it has been liking and sharing Facebook posts. 

Well, after 2 years, he has popped up and asked this question and requests that we actually hang out in person more. While I am attracted to him, I also would like to hang out more, so I am in aggreeance to his plan. 

Who knows what will really happen here? What is the true motive or spurring of the random outreach? 

All I can do is remain active in his life and see where things go. I will admit this sort of exciting!