Sinning is a learning experience…

Be forewarned this topic is Rated R for adult themes.

It has been easy being celibate. The hard part is to get past the urges and the memories of the flesh from before. I find myself falling into pornography every once in a while to relieve the tension, and once in a while I fight the urge to go out and give in to lustful encounters. It is usually at this point that I move towards porn. I know this is just as bad as acting since it is all considered “sinful” to give into these desires of the flesh. 

I feel thus far that I have done a good job at not straying too far off of the path. While I am still on dating apps, I have not gone after meeting anyone yet as I would rather get to know people for the long haul. I’m, in a way, focused on myself; making my life more active on my time off, being more social with friends and family, being more healthy, and walking my path with God. The hardest part in all of this has been keeping a consistent support team around me. 

I don’t feel as though I have those that are close enough to me that know my plights that can relate enough right now to support me. I have been using this realization to keep me talking to God and remind myself that He is all the support I really need. The sins of life have been ever close with the distance attained by those who were close to me the last few months. 

I remind myself not to fall into those sins of being a whore, of ego, and selfishness. I push myself further while trying to better myself, to increase my understanding of others, to increase my patience and temper those aspects of myself that do not enhance my well-being and life. 

I have recently succumbed to my greed and traded my 2015 car in for a new 2017 car that is more expensive. I reason these evils out so that they do not seem so bad at the time. I put myself into situations that are not good, and then I feel bad about walking away and leaving the other person “hanging” as I feel it jeopardizes my integrity.

I will admit I have pride in my integrity as it is one of my finest qualities. I am honest and trustworthy to a fault these days and there’s no way around that, not that I would want that anyway.

All in all, I feel as though I have been weak, but at the same time, other qualities make me strong. I must remember to remind myself of these good qualities and to fix those that aren’t good. I must remain vigilant and attentive to my actions so that I do not wrong those that I love, because putting them through pain causes me pain as well. 

I feel as though my sins and not so good qualities are learning experiences that are helping to mold me into the person that I am meant to be. 

A not-so unhappy Birthday

I ended up having the best birthday weekend ever. It, by far, has surpassed my expectations as it fulfilled my want for spending it with close friends and family. It was a busy weekend to be sure, while sleep deprived, was well worth it. 

My friends took me for a pedicure on Friday, while I wasn’t fond of it being overpriced, it was a good experience. We were able to chat of nothing in particular while being pampered and massaged. Afterward we ended up bar hopping in our little local town-city. We called it a night at about 1030pm and went home. The next day was just as amaxing. 

We went to an early brunch on the river at 10am. We started with “the hair of the dog that bit [you]” us, some Hibiscus Mimosas and Bloody Marys. The food was amazing and the atmosphere was just perfect as we relaxed on the patio next to the fire pit. Once finished we headed to the city nearby where we commenced our full day of bar hopping yet again. We did this for the next 10 hours, hitting one of my favorite spots  (a German bierhalle) and traveled to a few other spots after. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. 

We spent all day on the patio of each spot soaking up the cocktails and warmth. I paced myself only having a drink every hour or so, as I didn’t want to get too sloshed. We ended our night back at the German Bierhalle with another friend of mine that showed up around 630pm. We called it a night at about 10pm as during our travels, my doctor that I work with called me and invited me to go sailing the next day in the San Francisco Bay. 

I awoke at 730 the next morning and got ready. This was the most exciting thing I have done in my life. While I have been on small fishing boats in lakes and on a barge getting ferried to Alcatraz before, this was a totally different experience. I arrived at 10am as expected after my Starbucks stop ok the way out of town. We left the marina and headed out into the bay, just me and him. About 3 minutes into our escapade, he handed me the helm. For the next 4 hours, we sailed the bay while he taught me how to sail, sharing the most amazing experience with me. I have always seen people sailing and thought it looked so beautiful and thinking it must be so very relaxing, but to my revelation, it was hard work. Don’t let me fool you, it was also relaxing and very fulfilling. 

We pulled back into the marina and relaxed for a half hour or so before I had to depart. He enjoyed a beer while I had a glass of white wine with out glamorous chips and salsa. I then headed out with me and my sunburn/windburn to fight the traffic to get home. It took me longer to get home than it did to get to the bay, but it ended up working perfectly. 

I arrived in time for my birthday dinner! I took a quick shower, changed into something more comfortable, treated my sunburn with aloe and headed into dinner. We enjoyed great food made by my grandma and an amazing pineapple-upsidedown-cheesecake made by my mom. All my immediate family that I love showed up. This was such a perfect day, but it wasn’t over yet!

I headed to my 2nd family’s house (neighbors of 27 years). I got there at about 730pm as they were starting dinner. They invited me to grab a plate of course, which I had to decline as I was already stuffed, and we all enjoyed eachothers company. After dinner, we started a fire in the fire pit in the back yard, grabbed some red wine and relaxed around it. 

We had amazing conversations about society, politics, education and God. My 2nd family is very religious, but the type of such that you aspire to be; Wholesome, loving, open, accepting, and model Christians. I sat with my 2nd brother (we will call him “M”) and cousin (“B) until about 130am talking about God and forgiveness. We spoke of my depression and transgressions. We spoke of homosexuality and God’s love for me. M made it clear that he did not want to reprimand me, or try and convert me, he could only speak of God’s love and forgiveness and how sin is forgiven. We spoke of my fear and skepticism of religion due you past experiences, but he was adamant of God’s forgiveness. His certainty of this made me feel so much better, and I will be going to church this Sunday for the first time in 15 years. 

We had one of the deepest and intense conversations I ever have had, and definitely the first with him. We opened up about our fears, insecurities and the things we have caved to in weakness. I told him about my scare with HIV and the negative test results, my fear was his judgement and his rebuke, but all I received was his love and acceptance. This was one of the most empowering experiences I have had with someone, even of my own family. It was refreshing when he let me know that, even though I am gay, he loved me and called me brother. I was surprised he said he heard 2 years ago that I am gay and never said anything about it, asked or even probed with questions. 

My weekend ended on Monday with the military interment of my 2nd grandma. All in all, I had an amazing birthday weekend, and today, I will be ending it with dinner of my favorite kind, sushi, with family. What started as depressing last week had become the best birthday I have ever had in a short amount of time. 

I am not my darkness. 

I try to spread a message of peace and happiness. I try and live by Buddha’s 6 paths. I try and be a good person. I try to be positive. I try to be happy. I try to be a ray of sunshine for those around me. I try and bring joy to those around me. 

Regardless of the hurt and pain I go through. The cover up I try and establish. The deep faucets of my soul still ooze light and hope. A hope that will never perish, even when I doubt myself and show my sadness and darkness inside. I still bring my aura to bear upon those that need it.

I try to be supportive of my friends and family. I try and be happy for them regardless of their situation though I know they will be happier elsewise. I try and be the bigger person. I try and not let it all get to me. 

I have always been resilient. I don’t let things keep me down. I look to the past for inspiration and the future for motivation. I breathe deep and look at the world with fresh eyes everyday. I take the time to smell the roses. 

My humor and happiness are contagious. I smile big and hug meaningfully. I do everything in earnest without ulterior motives. I am genuine. I am me.

I believe in those around me. I believe there is something more to life. I believe there is a future for everything. I believe it gets better. I believe I am a positive force to be reckoned with. I believe in myself. 

I value those connections I have made. I value my friends. I value my family. I value my acquaintances. I value love and honesty regardless the pain it may cause. I value my health. I value my mental state. I value myself. 

I am not my darkness. I am not my illness. I am not my sadness. I am not negativity. I am not afraid. I am not what you make me. I am not what I don’t want to be. 

I am not my darkness. It is a part of me. It does not define me. It is not who I am. I am who I am. 

Who are you? What are you? How are you? What do you do? What do you value? What do you believe in?

Yearly depression 

Around this time every year I stress and get depressed. I wonder to myself if people care about me or not. I know it’s silly of me to think this, but it still happens. I put myself into a depression because of it and it gets worse with each passing year. 

How do I expect people yo care of they don’t know? If I don’t say anything about it, no one would know. I cannot expect people to just pick up the gauntlet when they don’t know that I want them to. I think of all the things I would love at this time of year, and how they could be executed, but it always fails to happen.  I always have to get the ball rolling myself. I have to start the plans and then be let down when people don’t show. 

I get it, life happens. I feel that if you truly care enough you would find a way to make it work. For some, when this happens, it’s more offensive to me than when it occurs with others. I try not to be offended but it happens non-the-less. 

Why do I make such a fuss internally about this? Why is this something that’s so important even though it shouldn’t be? Is this why I vie for attention so often throughout the year, so that I can try and avoid the pain when this comes up?

My family does the same thing every year for everyone, a dinner with everyone that can be there. Typically it ends up pretty small, but I do enjoy it. 

I don’t care about going out and getting drunk, or acting up just because of this event in my life. I have been there and done it, and now it’s old. All I would like is to do something with those I care about, so I feel they care about me. Why do I expect this of my friends when I honestly shouldn’t?

Why do I think so much of my Birthday?

 Wonder…

The world is full of wonder. Whether we are in awe, aw, ah, or aah.
I wonder…

I’m full of awe at the thought of how insignificant and small I feel on this planet while I stand on this cliff over the ocean. 

I exclaim ‘Aw!’ when I see my friend’s new bundle of joy that has just come forth into the world. 

I respond to my friends bad news with ‘Ah’ as I get their sadness but do not know how to comfort her. 

I let out a guttural ‘AHH!’ as I am frustrated by the emotions I feel over things I cannot control. 

There are so many ways to express ourselves with the same sounding word though it is spelled differently. 

I look at the world and see so many people. I am in awe of what they have done and aspire to do. I see friends living lives I wish I had but think of how difficult they really have it, but don’t let on to the difficulty. 

I wonder what I was like to walk through a forest here in California 400 years ago and to see the land before it was changed and grown up  

I am afraid of heights, but I wonder what it would be like to have the power to fly. I have had dreams where I couldn’t fly, but I could jump high and float down slowly while having complete control and feeling as though I weigh nothing. 

I wonder why I feel there is a greater power out there, but I do not know what it is or how we are connected. I wonder if all religions are based in truth and there is so much we just don’t know. 

I wonder if we are all connected and if we never truly die because we cannot destroy matter, but only change its form. Does this mean that we have the power to do and change anything, but we lack the knowledge and the patience to learn?

I wonder if you really can become enlightened. If so, would you transcend humanity or does nothing actually happen?

I wonder how we came up with having a ‘soul’. How do we have a consciousness with free thought? How is it that we are a higher being from animals and have a different means of understanding? How did we develop any kind of knowledge and why is it so widely accepted? 

I wonder why I always feel so alone even though I’m surrounded by people. Why do I feel the need to be loved by everyone I meet? 

I wonder what other people wonder. 

Are you single?

It’s always interesting when you get a drunken message at 1am from a friend and there are the words “Are you single?” 

I received this message from a straight guy who is a previous marine (yea there is more to the message, but this is the main issue in my head right now). I have no idea how to view this question. Granted yes, he was drunk at the time of sending, but the vibe of the whole situation has led me astray. Who asks this unless you’re hoping to date that person or maybe see them more on some sort of sexual basis? Or at least that is my impression of why the question is typically asked. 

I would have no qualms being this man’s significant other or even sexual satisfaction of curiosity. I cannot say I would be totally submissive, but it would be a thing. Anyways, all day today we texted back and forth, speaking of anything and everything. I tested the waters of sexual things and he only played into it more, which obviously makes me (over)think more about this. 

I purposely led him to topics for sexual innuendos and beat around the bush on what gets me “going’. He didn’t seem to flinch at all! See now, what’s interesting as well, is our history. 

We met through a mutual friend and his girl over dinner. I thought he was funny, chill, and pretty cool, so we added one another on Facebook. I cannot remember but this may have been the only time we have met in person. We have played videogames online a few times together, and other than that, it has been liking and sharing Facebook posts. 

Well, after 2 years, he has popped up and asked this question and requests that we actually hang out in person more. While I am attracted to him, I also would like to hang out more, so I am in aggreeance to his plan. 

Who knows what will really happen here? What is the true motive or spurring of the random outreach? 

All I can do is remain active in his life and see where things go. I will admit this sort of exciting!