Goth night?

I humored my friend and finally attended “Goth Night” at a local club. It happens to be in a club I used to frequent when I was younger, but when it was an 18+ gay club. The vibe was quote the same for me as it was back then with it’s large, dark rooms. The rooms were all the same except got a few small changes. It was nostalgic for me at the very least. As for the change in culture that know surrounded this place? Well, it’s quite different. 

It’s an extremely interesting experience. The music is loud and electronic and the people are different. I look at them and I do not judge them as they are here and apart of this culture because of what they have experienced in their lives. 

Their dancing is not the traditional type you would see in a normal club, but they are expressing themselves through dance nontheless. They are “feeling themselves”. Their music is about being weird, queer, and family issues. The beats are very high energy and dancy. 

Here they have freedom. The freedom to be who they are and express themselves, something many of them may not have or have ever had the luxury of doing. They dress differently and act differently than most and are judged daily just for trying to be who they feel that they are. 

In observation, it seems like they are not immune to being normal club goers. There are still wall flowers and there are still those looking to hook up by the end of the night. 

I wonder what kind of issues they do have in their lives/pasts which has turned them to this culture. Most are not unattractive, so it makes you wonder what their self esteem is like and why. 

I give them all the credit in the world as they have great confidence to be able to be themselves unapologetically. 

A shifted view

I have felt a shift. A shift in my life, no matter how slight it may have been, and it has changed everything. The feeling of great things to come, of change, and of finally feeling right. It’s a feeling of things falling into place. 

After such a turbulent past few months, I feel as though the storm is clearing for me and there is a light that has parted these dark clouds. I can honestly say this feeling is coming from my proximity to my ‘brother’ M. I can feel his love and acceptance, his passion and love for God has honestly helped me see more clearly and feel more whole. 

I never honestly thought this is even a thing, let alone for myself. Growing up hiding my sexuality because of fearing those bible-thumping-self-righteous church fanatics, fearing God, fearing judgement, hate and violence, has taught me skepticism and wariness. After getting to speak with M I realize that my fear, while real and warranted from experiences, is unfounded when actually viewing God. 

The nice thing is, M is not trying to convert me or even change me and he’s not trying to sell God to me. Our conversations center around values, morals and other principles and our religious viewpoints. It’s great to be able to hear things from his side of life with his experience. He doesn’t preach, he only describes what he has experienced and felt himself. He listens to the things I’ve gone through and it seems to me from his responses that it grounds him more than anything. It never occurred to him that I have gone through the things I have because of the face I show the world. 

These are the conversations that have helped me to start to clear my depression and move forward. To accept love and become more open to everything. Before now, I never realized how much I actually was missing in my spirituality. It’s easy to give lip service and claim you’re who you are, but it’s another thing to actually live it. 

We have not yet gone to church together, but I feel as though I am already more open and accepting of my faith. In all my years I have always felt as though I was unwelcome and unwanted in Christianity. It was always something to be hated, untrusted, feared and kept distant to one’s self if you are gay. After opening up and speaking to M, I now have new convictions and conclusions to my life and a different viewpoint on God and religion. 

He has helped to open my eyes to the brilliance of what it means to BE Christian. Here I thought I had a good grasp on it already, but now I know: there is knowing, and then there is knowing

A not-so unhappy Birthday

I ended up having the best birthday weekend ever. It, by far, has surpassed my expectations as it fulfilled my want for spending it with close friends and family. It was a busy weekend to be sure, while sleep deprived, was well worth it. 

My friends took me for a pedicure on Friday, while I wasn’t fond of it being overpriced, it was a good experience. We were able to chat of nothing in particular while being pampered and massaged. Afterward we ended up bar hopping in our little local town-city. We called it a night at about 1030pm and went home. The next day was just as amaxing. 

We went to an early brunch on the river at 10am. We started with “the hair of the dog that bit [you]” us, some Hibiscus Mimosas and Bloody Marys. The food was amazing and the atmosphere was just perfect as we relaxed on the patio next to the fire pit. Once finished we headed to the city nearby where we commenced our full day of bar hopping yet again. We did this for the next 10 hours, hitting one of my favorite spots  (a German bierhalle) and traveled to a few other spots after. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. 

We spent all day on the patio of each spot soaking up the cocktails and warmth. I paced myself only having a drink every hour or so, as I didn’t want to get too sloshed. We ended our night back at the German Bierhalle with another friend of mine that showed up around 630pm. We called it a night at about 10pm as during our travels, my doctor that I work with called me and invited me to go sailing the next day in the San Francisco Bay. 

I awoke at 730 the next morning and got ready. This was the most exciting thing I have done in my life. While I have been on small fishing boats in lakes and on a barge getting ferried to Alcatraz before, this was a totally different experience. I arrived at 10am as expected after my Starbucks stop ok the way out of town. We left the marina and headed out into the bay, just me and him. About 3 minutes into our escapade, he handed me the helm. For the next 4 hours, we sailed the bay while he taught me how to sail, sharing the most amazing experience with me. I have always seen people sailing and thought it looked so beautiful and thinking it must be so very relaxing, but to my revelation, it was hard work. Don’t let me fool you, it was also relaxing and very fulfilling. 

We pulled back into the marina and relaxed for a half hour or so before I had to depart. He enjoyed a beer while I had a glass of white wine with out glamorous chips and salsa. I then headed out with me and my sunburn/windburn to fight the traffic to get home. It took me longer to get home than it did to get to the bay, but it ended up working perfectly. 

I arrived in time for my birthday dinner! I took a quick shower, changed into something more comfortable, treated my sunburn with aloe and headed into dinner. We enjoyed great food made by my grandma and an amazing pineapple-upsidedown-cheesecake made by my mom. All my immediate family that I love showed up. This was such a perfect day, but it wasn’t over yet!

I headed to my 2nd family’s house (neighbors of 27 years). I got there at about 730pm as they were starting dinner. They invited me to grab a plate of course, which I had to decline as I was already stuffed, and we all enjoyed eachothers company. After dinner, we started a fire in the fire pit in the back yard, grabbed some red wine and relaxed around it. 

We had amazing conversations about society, politics, education and God. My 2nd family is very religious, but the type of such that you aspire to be; Wholesome, loving, open, accepting, and model Christians. I sat with my 2nd brother (we will call him “M”) and cousin (“B) until about 130am talking about God and forgiveness. We spoke of my depression and transgressions. We spoke of homosexuality and God’s love for me. M made it clear that he did not want to reprimand me, or try and convert me, he could only speak of God’s love and forgiveness and how sin is forgiven. We spoke of my fear and skepticism of religion due you past experiences, but he was adamant of God’s forgiveness. His certainty of this made me feel so much better, and I will be going to church this Sunday for the first time in 15 years. 

We had one of the deepest and intense conversations I ever have had, and definitely the first with him. We opened up about our fears, insecurities and the things we have caved to in weakness. I told him about my scare with HIV and the negative test results, my fear was his judgement and his rebuke, but all I received was his love and acceptance. This was one of the most empowering experiences I have had with someone, even of my own family. It was refreshing when he let me know that, even though I am gay, he loved me and called me brother. I was surprised he said he heard 2 years ago that I am gay and never said anything about it, asked or even probed with questions. 

My weekend ended on Monday with the military interment of my 2nd grandma. All in all, I had an amazing birthday weekend, and today, I will be ending it with dinner of my favorite kind, sushi, with family. What started as depressing last week had become the best birthday I have ever had in a short amount of time. 

Can you see me now? Who am I?

You would never know it if I had never told you about it. I am cheerful,, extroverted, optimistic, funny, forward, honest, genuine, and friendly. I’m sexually active, physically active, intelligent, alluring, charismatic, punny, lucky, chill, and excitable. You would never know that I am insecure, depressed, unhappy, self-destructive, weak, willfull, stubborn, a realistic bordering pessimism, emotional and hungry for attention. 

These are a few things that describe me. I forcibly show the world a side of me that is real, but it’s the biggest lie I tell. I hide my pain behind jokes and laughter. I hide my insecurities by pretending I have none, but when I look into the mirror, all I see is disgust. I have problems with body image and I fat shame myself. I take selfies and edit them to look great to feel better about myself. I have never gone to extremes with myself because of this, but it has crossed my mind. I have never hurt myself because I don’t want to hurt those I love.

I know people love me, but it doesn’t feel like it, so I tend go lash out with hurtful jokes. I still don’t know why I do this, but I speculate that psychologically I’m testing how much they truly love me. I don’t know if this is to make myself feel better because I have always felt insufficient, especially with my body image and the hate I endured as a fat kid always being picked on. I was always the “bad guy” at recess as a kid because the others wanted to be the winners, so I was the sacrificial fat kid, later the gay kid. 

Is this the reason I am the way I am? Is it because back then I was made to think as a bad guy to make friends and play with the other kids? Do I still hold onto that today? Do I joke mean things now because I need to be this bad guy, but spin it into a joke so that people still like me as an adult? 

I feel this has all contributed to my realistic type of view in life. I always try and see things in every different light that I can manage. I look at all viewpoints, whether they give me strength or doubt. I give people the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t lie, I’m honest to a fault; so much so, you can tell when I want to lie by how hard I think about it. I contort my face and fess-up even if the truth hurts to say or messes up my relationships because the other person doesn’t want to believe/hear it. Is my honesty there to make up for my negativity? 

Why must I hurt so much and yet hide it so vehemently? Why do we all hide our pain? Is it because its a sign of weakness? If we share, do we not get over it? If we struggle, do we not improve? If we ask for help, do we not receive it? Is hiding better for us than showing and being open? Is the judgement of others really that scary? Should we be teaching our children to “man up” or should we be teaching them that it’s ok to release the sadness and anger and to not keep it inside? How can we go about teaching and guiding others, to help their principles and morals to be strong and refined rather than weak and politically correct?

Are we the result of a weakened society? What are we doing wrong that these things happen? Why is it that our brains subconsciously hold on to things from so long ago and don’t change without active participation?

Will power. Discipline. Strength. Struggle. Morals. Principles. Why are these so weak today in our population?

Can you see my pain? My hidden eyes? The hurt? The wisdom? The experience? The pain?

Going Mental. My Struggle. My Solution. 

This post is Rated R for language and adult themes. 

DISCLAIMER: For all medical problems, seek a healthcare professional. I do not claim to be a doctor and you should not use this blog to diagnose yourself. This is a blog about my personal journey with the topics held within. 

Pain. Sadness. Depression. Anxiety. Mental illness. We keep these things hidden from others out of fear, fear of the judgement from others. We are afraid to talk about these issues even with our doctors. We are afraid of what these things may mean for us and our futures. 

I recently found I was suffering from depression.  I work in a doctor’s office where I really don’t get to see the outside very often and face a computer screen all day. There are only windows in the doctor’s individual offices in the suite. One day I was speaking to my Nurse Practitioner, after the loss of my neighbor who was a 2nd grandma to me and my other neighbors (We live in a rural area of 4 houses and we are all like family, and have been for 28 years), and she said she noticed that I had some symptoms of depression and that I should get checked out just in case. 

That very day I went to Urgent Care on my lunch to see a doctor that I used to work with there. We sat down and she asked me all of the questions that were diagnostic in nature. 

“Have you felt little or no interest in things you like to do? Have you noticed any of these changes? Have you felt down or hopeless? Have you experienced any mania?”

(Disclaimer: these are only questions and are not meant to diagnose you if you think you may be depressed or have any other mental illness. It is best you are examined by a professional healthcare provider. This is only used an example of what a few questions I answered in my own appointment.)

She kept up with a few more questions and asked me if there was anything else I could contribute that may help in a diagnosis.

I told her of my weekly alcoholic binges with co-workers firstly. I know my limits on how much it takes for me to feel good and I usually stop before going further, but I would consciously and deliberately pass this limit every weekend. The first thing she did was told me to stop drinking for 2 weeks and see if this helps as alcohol is a depressant. I didn’t want to, but I did. She wanted me to follow up after these 2 weeks if I didn’t feel better, needless to say, I did feel a bit better so I didn’t go back. (IMPORTANT: If you are asked to go back for follow up, DO IT! Doctors do not do this for fun, they legitimately want you to come back so they can make sure you are OK!)

I told her how I used to enjoy playing video games and reading, but now get bored of it quickly and that I had stopped enjoying it. We also went over how I am with work and how I dread coming in with all this paperwork, and sitting, staring at the computer screen and making calls all day. The only thing I look forward to is going home and the weekends when I can hang out with my friends and drink. These were the only 2 things that made me happy. I even told her how I have been short and irritable at home with family like I never used to be. 

This is the point in the appointment she told me that I have mild to moderate depression. She didn’t want to diagnose me yet because she wanted to see where I was after not drinking for 2 weeks. She also felt some life changing events needed to take place, one of them was to get out of my current job and find something that makes me happy. I was quite agreeable with this.

After a few days, I had a conversation with a good friend that was using aromatherapy essential oils. I looked into it and grabbed a few off of Amazon so I could see if this would also help my depression. I got my first shipment and started their use (I did some research into oils specifically for depression), I also did a lot of thinking about my life. This was the first thing I did besides not drinking alcohol. All of these things seemed to help overall. 

Side note 1: 

A few months earlier, before this all took place I had an encounter where a friend of my good friend read tarot cards for me. My question was “how will I find true happiness?” My results were that I needed to leave my current job, don’t be stubborn, accept help from those around me, and work in an artistic field. All of this pointed me toward going back to school and becoming an architect like I had originally wanted when I was in high school and started college. 

Side note 2:

I remember having a conversation with a very close, intimate friend, where I was questioning whether I am doing the right thing. This was a month or 2 before graduation my medical assisting program. She rationalized how I had wanted her to, giving me the logic to keep trucking through to the end and not give up. I realize now that I should have listened to my gut and gone back to what my first love in school was. I was too concerned on being accepted by society with the 40 hour work week, retirement plan and insurances. I should have been trying to make myself happy. 

A major change in my depression happened the moment I was accepted back to my local community college for classes. A HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders and it became clear how my current job was affecting me. This news excited me more than anything. During and before all of this though, one thing still tugs at my mind. 

I didn’t quite understand the question of Mania until a few days after my appointment when I looked up the definition. I equated mania to being crazy, but that’s just not the case. 

ma·ni·a

ˈmānēə/

noun

mental illness marked by periods of great excitement, euphoria, delusions, and overactivity.

Synonyms: madnessderangement, dementiainsanitylunacypsychosismental illness; 

deliriumfrenzyhysteriaraving

wildness

With this new information I realized that I had indeed gone through this recently. 

I had also broken up with my ex-boyfriend back in October, but this depression had been going on longer than that, it only added to the mix. I tried ignoring this part and throwing myself into sexual encounters among other things. 

Here is that story that happened before I even considered the fact I may be depressed. This story is sexually explicit so be forewarned:

The mania started 12/29/16. This is when shit hit the fan for me. I received a text from work saying I didn’t have to go in that day so I agreed with this plan. I was horny anyway and wanted to have sex. 

My plan started with me going to a sex club where I, in 9 hours and to my frustration, had encounters with 4 different guys. This is a lot in one day, but I was not satiated in my mania. I was constantly on my phone looking for more. 

I ended up on a site where a guy hit me up to come over and have unprotected sex. He disclosed to me that he didn’t know his status of any STIs. While I was cautions at first, my horniness and mania won over and I went to his apartment. He fucked me on his living room floor while his boyfriend was asleep in the other room. 

I didn’t care. He was verbal and I was so turned on. It excited me. It made me feel alive and not depressed. It felt as though I was liberated from the stigma of HIV and other STIs. Over the next 7 days I did other questionable sexual encounters with 25 other men, dangerous and exciting, all unprotected, and with full disclosure of my situation. I had never felt this kind of desperation of wanting be used for pleasure by men and the thrill and adrenaline that was pumping through my body.

The one who finally sated my hunger and need was a guy I had known for years. He fucked me so hard and good, I no longer had the craving for sex after that day. 

Twenty-eight hours after my experience with the guy that may have given me HIV, I went to the emergency room for Post-Exposute Prophylaxis  (PeP). This was only logical as I really didn’t want to end up with this viral infection for the rest of my life even though I did feel more liberated and open. I did this with the evaluation of an RN that I know. 

I was given a Rx (prescription) for Truvada and a first dose, and I was on my way. After 3 months of the medication and no other sex, I was tested and everything came back Negative! I was so relieved about this yet it didn’t actually make me feel much different. 
Since this encounter I am now on Pre-Exposure Prophylaxys (PrEP), also Truvada. It has been 4 full months since this sexual freedom all started, and I have taken my meds everyday as prescribed. 

Disclaimer: I do not condone my actions and do not suggest them to anyone! If you think you may have had an encounter of the type where you may have gotten an STI, get tested! Do the right thing and disclose your status. Take meds AS DIRECTED BY YOUR HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL!!

I had no idea this was a mania, I thought I was going through a post-breakup rebound. This information never got back to the doctor who evaluated me for depression, but I know that this is part of the results. 

My end results, while I may be depressed still, I have pulled myself up and started to change the things that made me depressed. I am excited to see what the world holds for me and I feel like I am finally on the right track. I feel like we spend too much time grinding and trudging through the 40 hour work slum to be a societal success rather than doing what makes us truly happy. We should merely focus on ourselves and what is fulfilling instead of what others think we should be doing. 

I do not regret any of the decisions I’ve mad. I am glad they didn’t put me in a bad position, but I feel over the last 2 years I have grown immensely and have learned a lot through it all. 

This is truly a journey to my self realization. My Ryalization.

Are you there God?

I’ve always struggled with religion, and now that I’ve come to terms with being gay, it’s even more of a struggle. I’ve always followed the philosophies of Bhuddhism, and always trying to be a good person. 

Growing up I’ve never been a fan of organized religion as it always turns out being the bad guy in situations. Followers are seen as fanatics, crazy, or just weird. My ego has always kept me away from the church because, while I don’t care, I do care about what others think of me; I also never want to do anything that will embarrass me. 

Now, I’ve grown up next door to a family of pretty religious people and I consider them family just as they do of me as well. We all have knowm eachother for about 27 or so years. I have always envied how honest, nice, caring, considerate, happy and perfect they all are. I know they are not all of these things all of the time, but they are exemplary people in my book and I aspire to be like them. 

One of their sons was done with church the way I am and fought tooth and nail to never go again because of how it is portrayed and makes him feel. After a few years he finally agreed to go because of everything going on in his life and he felt he needed help. He went and they prayed for him. With this, he felt nothing. As they were leaving at the end of the service, a woman came to him and said “God wanted me to heal you.” She simply touched him and he felt a wave go through his body and he began to cry. 

In my eyes he has never been one to cry; he’s always been tough, went through the marines and went to war three times in Iraq. To hear that he, an outspoken and forward person, was crying and speechless, makes me feel this may be the place for me to find God. 

I have fears and reservations still about going along with questions. I fear nothing will happen to me, that I won’t find God after all. I have never felt him or seen a sign when I ask for one, but am I mistaking the signs? I fear that maybe, if he is real after all, that I have been abandoned. Will I still receive his love for all the things I’ve done? Will he accept me as I am? Will he take the gay away or smite me because of it? Are these things that are even things to worry about? 

All of the evidence from my friends and family, testimonies, point to God being real in this instance. My head thinks so many thoughts about God, deep thoughts that tend to paralyze me and make me afraid. In retrospect, all I can think is “what am I really afraid of here?” If He’s real and I never found him, what will happen to me? If I find him, how will my life change? Will he let gays find him? I guess we will have to find out. 

I have plans to go this upcoming weekend with my neighbors. We will see what happens from here.

Are you single?

It’s always interesting when you get a drunken message at 1am from a friend and there are the words “Are you single?” 

I received this message from a straight guy who is a previous marine (yea there is more to the message, but this is the main issue in my head right now). I have no idea how to view this question. Granted yes, he was drunk at the time of sending, but the vibe of the whole situation has led me astray. Who asks this unless you’re hoping to date that person or maybe see them more on some sort of sexual basis? Or at least that is my impression of why the question is typically asked. 

I would have no qualms being this man’s significant other or even sexual satisfaction of curiosity. I cannot say I would be totally submissive, but it would be a thing. Anyways, all day today we texted back and forth, speaking of anything and everything. I tested the waters of sexual things and he only played into it more, which obviously makes me (over)think more about this. 

I purposely led him to topics for sexual innuendos and beat around the bush on what gets me “going’. He didn’t seem to flinch at all! See now, what’s interesting as well, is our history. 

We met through a mutual friend and his girl over dinner. I thought he was funny, chill, and pretty cool, so we added one another on Facebook. I cannot remember but this may have been the only time we have met in person. We have played videogames online a few times together, and other than that, it has been liking and sharing Facebook posts. 

Well, after 2 years, he has popped up and asked this question and requests that we actually hang out in person more. While I am attracted to him, I also would like to hang out more, so I am in aggreeance to his plan. 

Who knows what will really happen here? What is the true motive or spurring of the random outreach? 

All I can do is remain active in his life and see where things go. I will admit this sort of exciting!

My Self-esteem, My Confidence

I will throw it out there right off, the view I have of myself has many faucets and dynamics. I know I am not physically what the media portrays as “sexy” or “desirable” and I’m definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. I know this, so I have a different kind of self-esteem and confidence, especially depending on where I am and how well I know who is around me, basically if I care or not. 

If I’m in a club, I don’t really care what anyone thinks of me, so my body posture is more aloof as I don’t go there looking to satisfy physical urges; however, I do still want to seem somewhat attractive so my body language is more relaxed (It sounds more complicated than it is I’m sure). All I really want to do is dance and have a fun time with my friends. 

When I’m in the gym, I’m focused on working out. I do check out the other guys though as they are quite sexy and their physiques are what I aspire to. I do wonder how often they actually notice me looking at them as it’s extremely hard to resist. It also makes me wonder if they like being looked at. How do they view a guy looking at them? Does it excite them? Make them mad? Make them feel more confident because guys are also noticing their hard work? 

Story time:

I always see this beautiful man working out; he has a small waist, big arms and chest, pretty face and nice ass and legs. I’ve seen him almost everyday for 3 months. I cannot help glancing at him in his white tank top and workout pants. I think today he finally noticed me glace at him.

I was almost ready to leave, standing in front of the mirror, and he came into the locker room and went through to the restroom. As he walked by, he looked directly at me and I looked at him, eye contact for a good 2 seconds. I quickly looked away in all the awkwardness. When he returned from the restroom, his tank top was off in all his muscular, hairy-chested perfection, and he walked to the other side of me to a bench where he put his foot up on a bench in a show of retying his shoe. It was obviously not untied. 

He left the locker room a good minute or so before me so he had plenty of time to leave the gym completely if that’s what he wanted. As I walked out of the locker room, there he was “preoccupied” with the scale by the trainers. He looked back over at me and started to leave. He held the door out for me and said “have a nice day!” as we both left. My heart was racing and all I could manage was “Thanks! You too!” with a super shy smile. 
After that I could only think was ‘what the hell was wrong with me?!’

I have been in many situations like this in the gym or public, but I’m always afraid of striking up conversation. I can’t help thinking of this as someone trying to hit on me, but I never know if it is legitimate or someone honestly being nice. In a straight society you can never be sure unless the other person is that forward.

The many sexual and other situations/encounters that I’ve had make me wonder what it is that draws people to me. While I’ve been with a lot of guys throughout my life (to be continued in another blog), it has been the same with everyone. Something about me brings them in and brings them back, but there is also something that steers them clear. I feel that there may be some kind of vibe I put out that just makes me approachable, whether it is someone asking some random question or some sort of, well I don’t know!

Those that are attracted to me don’t tend to forget about me either. I don’t want to sound cocky or overly confident, but it’s true. 

I have some weird luck I’ve noticed. While I do get the occasional weirdo that doesn’t give up even when I say “No”, I also get very quality types of guys that come into my life. No one actually stays long, but that’s because I don’t let them or that’s not what they are looking for. While there’s some I wouldn’t mind keeping around, my judgement with the situation says “No”, as well as their disinterest after they get what they want. (Insert winky face here) 

In summary, I am not a perfect physical specimen, however there is something that brings people into my life. I don’t know whether to chalk it up to fate, or random luck, but it happens to be a thing for me. 

What is this that causes me to be desired? Is it something physiological as it typically happens only in person? Is it pheromones? Is it my cologne? Is it my personality? I don’t know if I will know for sure, but I have theories. 

Sensitive

An overweight 10 year old kid desperate for friends, but none in sight. Kids calling them names, laughing about his weight, making them feel bad about themselves. This kid only wants friends, something they have had trouble with all their life. Their desperation for friends is tangible as they do whatever they can to make a real friend, they even play “the bad guy that gets killed every time in EVERY game” just for some kind of attention. Just one that they can play with at recess and share jokes and have fun with.

One day, they come into the lunchroom like any other day, things are as usual with everyone eating and talking. They set their lunch down on the table and take a seat in an open spot. As soon as they sit, all of the kids at their end of the table deliberately get up and move tables. Well, “Maybe they are just done eating and are ready to go out for recess”, but no, this is not the case. It was obvious to the kid that it was them that caused the other kids to get up and move to another table to finish their food. They instantly know what happened and why. They other kids, being cruel as they are, got up and moved because they are “the fat kid”, overweight and undesirable, even as a friend. They tried to take a few bites of their lunch but they have no appetite, they put their head down and just cry.

This kid is Me.

I went home this day feeling completely and utterly defeated. I didn’t understand. I was always nice, tried so hard to make friends, and did whatever I could. The simple fact that I was overweight was the only reason that no one liked me. I was judged everywhere I went as “the fat kid”, “the weird kid”, “the annoying kid”, and for some reason unknown to me, “the gay kid”. Growing up I never knew what being effeminate was, I didn’t even know what “gay” was, just that it was not good. (I have theories I’ll post on this topic later I’m sure.)

All through elementary school, it was rough. The last 2 years were especially so because I was also a new kid at the school. I had made maybe 1-2 acquaintances during that time period and of course they were girls. They both lived not too far from me in the middle of nowhere, but we didn’t really hang out outside of school, we were just ‘friendly’ at school. Of course I had my neighbors who also went to that school, but one was a different grade and the other a different class, so I literally never saw them there, and at the time, we weren’t really “friends”, just ‘friendly neighbors’.

I always got into some kid of trouble at school too. It may have been for attention, but at the time I’m sure I was doing what I wanted because it was fun, even though it was against the rules. I learned what the inside of the principles office looked like really well. This happened to be a great way to avoid reality and just sit somewhere comfortable while the other kids forgot I existed for awhile.

In middle school I didn’t have friends yet again, just one of those girls I was an acquaintance of, which became a little more friendly. I started noticing my ‘being gay’ a bit more and tried hiding it. I was very self-conscious of how I looked and everything I did, from the very clothes I wore (of which I had very little power regardless how I begged my mother for cooler clothes) to the mannerisms that I had. I felt like I had to keep these deep dark secrets in order to possibly make friends and be accepted. In middle school, no one really talked to me much so I was able to hide things easier to which I just remained quiet and alone.

I still longed for friends of course, but I didn’t really try to worry about it too much. I was becoming more and more concerned about my weight however, due to the cruelness of others, and so I attempted to try out for the basketball team in the 7th grade. It definitely didn’t work out as I had completely fallen out of being athletic since being a child that played soccer and t-ball 5 or so years prior. Thus, in my last attempt, I made the decision in 8th grade to go out for the football team in high school.

I got onto the team (as they pretty much accepted everyone). I figured, why not? They teach you discipline and they make you exercise. Another motive was that this was a big group of guys, I may actually find some friends here (which I actually did, but high school is another blog). When training came around, we worked and we worked hard. I wasn’t the only “fat kid” anymore, but I was still the “possible gay boy?” in the room. I was asked a few times if I was, but I always denied it. If you think elementary school kids are cruel, think of what testosterone driven high school boys are like. They are pure evil to others just in ignorance.

Since that day in the lunch room in elementary school, that very day in fact, I came to the conclusion that I will never let anyone get to me enough to make me cry ever again. I very clearly remember saying to myself “I will bottle up all of my emotions, close myself off and grow a thick skin.” I honestly have only cried a few times since. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel emotions and I can cry, but it takes a lot to get to that point.

This happened approximately 19 years ago. My question here is: Is this the single most identifying point in my life that has made me who I am today? The embarrassment that I suffered that day, the heart break, the sadness, the personal growth too. Do I have a strong sense of myself and my character today because of how I grew up? Being bullied and picked on by other kids? I by no means was bullied physically, but was assaulted mentally. Was this something that turned me into a better person? Am I stronger today because of it? What would this mean in today’s society?

Are kids today too sensitive? Will this sensitivity and political correctness that is spreading like a disease weaken us as people? I honestly remember a time in my life where we used to say “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Is this still a saying today? Did it change to “Sticks and stones won’t break my bones, but words will always hurt me”?

When did we create humans that are physically impervious but mentally broken? How did it happen to our society? Did we fail because these upcoming generations are unable to handle criticism and words?

Gym thing?

In January I switched which gym I work out at (same company, different location). I wake up at 5am and work at 9am so I definitely get my workout on. I can’t help it but to look at all the sexy guys that workout there too. 

Well the first day, as I am changing for the showers, this cute ass Hispanic guy is also. We ended up in the showers at the same time. I noticed he left his shower door ajar about 2 feel (not an accident in my mind), so no joke, I did the same. As we are showering it’s obvious that, he for some reason, likes what he sees, and so do I. 

Since that day, every time we see one another in the locker room, he strips to his underwear (which are clearly designer so I know he’s gotta be gay too) and flexes his muscles in the mirror, all the while making glances at me. He also has tattoos on each thigh and inside both wrists. 

I don’t have very much confidence on hitting on guys in public so the most we have ever said is “hi”. Ever since this first encounter however, we have been eyeing one another in the locker room and even in the gym while working out. 

It gives me a rush and makes me shake with the amount of adrenaline that surges through my veins. He excites me, and I’m too afraid to really make conversation. Who knows if this will remain just a gym thing?