Lost Feelings

I think what I miss the most about being in a relationship is not feeling alone and the intimacy. I think this is probably one of the most depressing parts about not having someone to share in your life. It is almost like you’re missing something out of your life, running but that other part that’s missing doesn’t complete you it just enhances your current life.

It has almost been a full year since I’ve called it quits with my ex, approximately 11 and a half months now. I found myself thinking about him often lately, even though I know what I did on breaking it off was the right thing to do. It was a toxic relationship, but I still miss the companionship.

As hard as I try and as hard as my friends may try, there has been nothing so far to fill the void I’m not having that companionship, that closeness, that intimacy, or that feeling of being so very alone. I love my friends dearly for all they’ve done for me, but unfortunately I do not think it will ever fill the void.

So many times I have said that I give up on love and that I’m just going to focus on me. I end up always finding myself back in the clutches of Hope and looking for love in all the wrong places. When I do this I always get more depressed because I know that I may not find exactly what I’m looking for where I’m looking for it.

I found myself reveling in self-destructive behavior. Certain songs make me emotional even though they don’t have any memories attached to them. Sometimes I find myself thinking too much about everything. It is times like these that I try to turn to God so that he may save me and deliver me from the thoughts inside my head.

Oh Lord, oh my God, I pray to you to please help me and Deliver Me from these thoughts in my head. Please let me feel your love, your light, and your love. Amen.

Going Mental. My Struggle. My Solution. 

This post is Rated R for language and adult themes. 

DISCLAIMER: For all medical problems, seek a healthcare professional. I do not claim to be a doctor and you should not use this blog to diagnose yourself. This is a blog about my personal journey with the topics held within. 

Pain. Sadness. Depression. Anxiety. Mental illness. We keep these things hidden from others out of fear, fear of the judgement from others. We are afraid to talk about these issues even with our doctors. We are afraid of what these things may mean for us and our futures. 

I recently found I was suffering from depression.  I work in a doctor’s office where I really don’t get to see the outside very often and face a computer screen all day. There are only windows in the doctor’s individual offices in the suite. One day I was speaking to my Nurse Practitioner, after the loss of my neighbor who was a 2nd grandma to me and my other neighbors (We live in a rural area of 4 houses and we are all like family, and have been for 28 years), and she said she noticed that I had some symptoms of depression and that I should get checked out just in case. 

That very day I went to Urgent Care on my lunch to see a doctor that I used to work with there. We sat down and she asked me all of the questions that were diagnostic in nature. 

“Have you felt little or no interest in things you like to do? Have you noticed any of these changes? Have you felt down or hopeless? Have you experienced any mania?”

(Disclaimer: these are only questions and are not meant to diagnose you if you think you may be depressed or have any other mental illness. It is best you are examined by a professional healthcare provider. This is only used an example of what a few questions I answered in my own appointment.)

She kept up with a few more questions and asked me if there was anything else I could contribute that may help in a diagnosis.

I told her of my weekly alcoholic binges with co-workers firstly. I know my limits on how much it takes for me to feel good and I usually stop before going further, but I would consciously and deliberately pass this limit every weekend. The first thing she did was told me to stop drinking for 2 weeks and see if this helps as alcohol is a depressant. I didn’t want to, but I did. She wanted me to follow up after these 2 weeks if I didn’t feel better, needless to say, I did feel a bit better so I didn’t go back. (IMPORTANT: If you are asked to go back for follow up, DO IT! Doctors do not do this for fun, they legitimately want you to come back so they can make sure you are OK!)

I told her how I used to enjoy playing video games and reading, but now get bored of it quickly and that I had stopped enjoying it. We also went over how I am with work and how I dread coming in with all this paperwork, and sitting, staring at the computer screen and making calls all day. The only thing I look forward to is going home and the weekends when I can hang out with my friends and drink. These were the only 2 things that made me happy. I even told her how I have been short and irritable at home with family like I never used to be. 

This is the point in the appointment she told me that I have mild to moderate depression. She didn’t want to diagnose me yet because she wanted to see where I was after not drinking for 2 weeks. She also felt some life changing events needed to take place, one of them was to get out of my current job and find something that makes me happy. I was quite agreeable with this.

After a few days, I had a conversation with a good friend that was using aromatherapy essential oils. I looked into it and grabbed a few off of Amazon so I could see if this would also help my depression. I got my first shipment and started their use (I did some research into oils specifically for depression), I also did a lot of thinking about my life. This was the first thing I did besides not drinking alcohol. All of these things seemed to help overall. 

Side note 1: 

A few months earlier, before this all took place I had an encounter where a friend of my good friend read tarot cards for me. My question was “how will I find true happiness?” My results were that I needed to leave my current job, don’t be stubborn, accept help from those around me, and work in an artistic field. All of this pointed me toward going back to school and becoming an architect like I had originally wanted when I was in high school and started college. 

Side note 2:

I remember having a conversation with a very close, intimate friend, where I was questioning whether I am doing the right thing. This was a month or 2 before graduation my medical assisting program. She rationalized how I had wanted her to, giving me the logic to keep trucking through to the end and not give up. I realize now that I should have listened to my gut and gone back to what my first love in school was. I was too concerned on being accepted by society with the 40 hour work week, retirement plan and insurances. I should have been trying to make myself happy. 

A major change in my depression happened the moment I was accepted back to my local community college for classes. A HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders and it became clear how my current job was affecting me. This news excited me more than anything. During and before all of this though, one thing still tugs at my mind. 

I didn’t quite understand the question of Mania until a few days after my appointment when I looked up the definition. I equated mania to being crazy, but that’s just not the case. 

ma·ni·a

ˈmānēə/

noun

mental illness marked by periods of great excitement, euphoria, delusions, and overactivity.

Synonyms: madnessderangement, dementiainsanitylunacypsychosismental illness; 

deliriumfrenzyhysteriaraving

wildness

With this new information I realized that I had indeed gone through this recently. 

I had also broken up with my ex-boyfriend back in October, but this depression had been going on longer than that, it only added to the mix. I tried ignoring this part and throwing myself into sexual encounters among other things. 

Here is that story that happened before I even considered the fact I may be depressed. This story is sexually explicit so be forewarned:

The mania started 12/29/16. This is when shit hit the fan for me. I received a text from work saying I didn’t have to go in that day so I agreed with this plan. I was horny anyway and wanted to have sex. 

My plan started with me going to a sex club where I, in 9 hours and to my frustration, had encounters with 4 different guys. This is a lot in one day, but I was not satiated in my mania. I was constantly on my phone looking for more. 

I ended up on a site where a guy hit me up to come over and have unprotected sex. He disclosed to me that he didn’t know his status of any STIs. While I was cautions at first, my horniness and mania won over and I went to his apartment. He fucked me on his living room floor while his boyfriend was asleep in the other room. 

I didn’t care. He was verbal and I was so turned on. It excited me. It made me feel alive and not depressed. It felt as though I was liberated from the stigma of HIV and other STIs. Over the next 7 days I did other questionable sexual encounters with 25 other men, dangerous and exciting, all unprotected, and with full disclosure of my situation. I had never felt this kind of desperation of wanting be used for pleasure by men and the thrill and adrenaline that was pumping through my body.

The one who finally sated my hunger and need was a guy I had known for years. He fucked me so hard and good, I no longer had the craving for sex after that day. 

Twenty-eight hours after my experience with the guy that may have given me HIV, I went to the emergency room for Post-Exposute Prophylaxis  (PeP). This was only logical as I really didn’t want to end up with this viral infection for the rest of my life even though I did feel more liberated and open. I did this with the evaluation of an RN that I know. 

I was given a Rx (prescription) for Truvada and a first dose, and I was on my way. After 3 months of the medication and no other sex, I was tested and everything came back Negative! I was so relieved about this yet it didn’t actually make me feel much different. 
Since this encounter I am now on Pre-Exposure Prophylaxys (PrEP), also Truvada. It has been 4 full months since this sexual freedom all started, and I have taken my meds everyday as prescribed. 

Disclaimer: I do not condone my actions and do not suggest them to anyone! If you think you may have had an encounter of the type where you may have gotten an STI, get tested! Do the right thing and disclose your status. Take meds AS DIRECTED BY YOUR HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL!!

I had no idea this was a mania, I thought I was going through a post-breakup rebound. This information never got back to the doctor who evaluated me for depression, but I know that this is part of the results. 

My end results, while I may be depressed still, I have pulled myself up and started to change the things that made me depressed. I am excited to see what the world holds for me and I feel like I am finally on the right track. I feel like we spend too much time grinding and trudging through the 40 hour work slum to be a societal success rather than doing what makes us truly happy. We should merely focus on ourselves and what is fulfilling instead of what others think we should be doing. 

I do not regret any of the decisions I’ve mad. I am glad they didn’t put me in a bad position, but I feel over the last 2 years I have grown immensely and have learned a lot through it all. 

This is truly a journey to my self realization. My Ryalization.

Selfish or Selfless

It has been in my mind more recently as of late, that people have become more selfish. I will not shy away and say that I am perfect and am never selfish, as I most certainly can be. We all want what is best for ourselves, but at what point is it that we sacrifice of other’s well being for our own? 

We live in a community where we must interact with with one another, coexist, yet we don’t seem to care about the others unless it benefits us. We rarely see stories on the tv of people who are selfless, but when we do, it’s big news. When did this start to become news worthy? Why should being a good person, selfless, and helpful to others, need to be paraded on the tv? Does it really happen that infrequently that we must parade it around to temp people to do it selfishly for recognition?

For my family, friends, and the occasional stranger, I will go out of my way to help them with anything that they need help with. Most times that I offer help, I am rejected and I go on my way. 

Another gym story:

I am reminded of a Friday afternoon recently where I have just finished my workout. I head into the locker room to get my flip flops on for the sauna and as I round the corner, a man in a wheelchair comes into view. He is wet from a shower, naked and appears to be in his 70s. He is just sitting there, stating into his locker. I am wondering if he needs help, but I dismiss the idea of asking him and open my locker. It is then that I notice his left leg is amputated just above his knee.

I get my flip flops on head to the steam room. I think to myself that I should offer help and that I’m a terrible person if I don’t, but I feel too afraid at the same time. Many thoughts and excuses flood my head telling me “No”. The fear wins and I head out as planned. 

He is no longer in my mind as I am now in a hurry to finish my time in the sauna and steam room, then to shower and leave so I can meet up with my friend for dinner and a night out. As I get back into the locker room to undress for my shower, I come to find that the man is still there in his wheelchair and having made very little progress. I still feel bad for him, so finally, regardless of all of my excuses and thoughts I ask if he needs help. He declined. 

Part of me is relieved and part of me wonders if it was how I approached him. I didn’t tell him I work in the medical field and can help him if he needs, but I did offer at the very least. Since he declined, I get my towel and head to the shower. I still feel bad, but he did decline after all so I shouldn’t press the issue. It isn’t my place to be offended or feel bad once declined. I did what I could. So with that, I dress and leave. 

Why was I so relieved he didn’t need help? Was it because of the gray area in my job where if he got injured I could be sued just because of my medical training? Probably. Why was I so scared to ask in the first place? Why did I think so hard on deciding whether or not to help this gentleman? Would you have done the same? 

Another story: 

I had just finished working 8 hours and a few of my co-workers wanted to go hang out. Well, being the gayness that I am, I needed an outfit. Heaven forbid I go out in my work clothes which were really street clothes anyway. I headed to Target, one of my favorite stores. As I pull into my spot, I observe the area around me as it is downtown on Broadway, a little bit of a shady area. 

All I see around is a little old lady, who looked to be in her 80s, walking to her car pushing a heavy cart. She got a huge bag of dog food in the cart, goodness knows how she actually got it in there! I parked, and as I was walking toward the store, I saw her pop the trunk of her little old Queensland. 

Without a second thought I stopped and asked if she needed help. She blessed me (which seared my evil homosexual soul) and thanked me multiple times as I picked up the heavy bag and put it in the car. I said “No thanks necessary” but I’m sure it meant the world to her. 

This happened 5-6 years ago and I still remember how happy and thankful she was to this day. 

This experience was purely intended to help her without any want of recognition or reward. I share this as an example of the things we can do to help others, no expectations, no rewards as the deed in itself is purely the reward. 

I feel these days, that fear keeps us from doing everything we want to do. Whether it’s being selfless, adventurous, or anything else you could imagine that would prevent you from doing something. The world would be a better place if people were more selfless and less selfish.