I’ve woken up this morning with one topic plaguing my mind. I see posts on social media about the same topic all the time. It was on my mind a little one day last week too and it seems to be coming up more and more lately. The complaint is “people will make an effort to be in your life if they want to be”. Well, lately I feel this is more true than I have thought before.
I have a very small handful of people that actually hit me up on their own without me having to facilitate conversation first. My ex used to when we were together, one of my friends from Florida will when she isn’t too busy with life, and every few months, give or take, a few other friends may say hi. Because of this, I cannot help but wonder what it is that has caused all of my “friends” to not a) initiate conversation or b) respond to my outreach.
It is obvious to me that they do not regard me the same way that I do them. We value our friendship differently from one another.
Is it my personality driving people back? I can’t be so sure. I have friends that will hang out with me once in a while and always say afterwards “omg that was so much fun! Why don’t we hang out more?!” Well, I’m thinking it has something to do with you actually responding back when I hit you up.
I am being ghosted by friends that I thought were closer to me than that, but I guess that’s a fallacy all in itself. I’ve never taken it personally being ignored, but I do move on to the next friend almost immediately. I sometimes feel emotionally dead/bankrupt.
I wonder if it’s my looks? Then again, maybe not; but who is to really know unless you ask? Logic says they wouldn’t be my ‘friends’ in the first place if this were true.
The thing I am saddest about all this is the fact that I am question my friendships in the first place. I don’t have any qualms with those that I message and get a response from even when it’s negative, because hey! at least you acknowledged my message and responded instead of ignoring me completely.
I don’t want it to show, but I am hurt deeply by those that don’t acknowledge my efforts to be friends. It definitely shows where I stand as your friend however, and this is where I think I must start to purge those toxicities from my life. These are causing negativity in many forms and it is not good for me. I’m smarter than people seem to think. I sent you a message, I know you’ve seen it. In today’s world of social media and constant communication, you cannot lie and tell me you didn’t get it, but yes, I’ll play dumb and take your excuse and forgive you, this time, and every time.
Because of my personality and how I’ve grown up, I put effort into my relationships and care deeply and passionately about those I love and value. To not have that returned is scarring on the deepest levels. On the flip side of that, I am also not one to give up completely.
I walk away from those friendships, but when they show back up, I just jump right back in where we left off. Those scars are hidden deep within myself and I never let people see them.
Do you like hurting people? Does your integrity mean nothing? Are your values and morals suffocating from your lack of caring?