Dear God…

Dearest God,

What are you trying to tell me? This man, Christian, I have deliberately cut him out of my life about a month ago. I told him I could no longer do this back and forth with him. I am weary of his lack of follow through. I am weary of his lack of communication. I am weary.

Why have you allowed him back into my life? What is it you have for me to learn? What must I teach him? Is this supposed to Be?

I believe that you bring people into our lives for a reason, I just wish I knew what it was. I know we don’t learn if we just jump to the conclusion, but with this man, I don’t know what to do.

He says he will wait for me. He says he will do what he must. He says he wants me in his life. He wants me. Do I give him me? Do I let him in?

I want to proceed with caution, however you know me more than anyone. You know I throw it all into the wind and await the results. You know I am so very open, optimistic, forgiving, and loving. Why put me through this? Is my lesson to learn that I need to be less forgiving and guard myself? I don’t honestly feel that that would be a good thing for me to be, but I don’t want to continue getting hurt either.


Your lost and confused son,



The world is full of wonder. Whether we are in awe, aw, ah, or aah.
I wonder…

I’m full of awe at the thought of how insignificant and small I feel on this planet while I stand on this cliff over the ocean. 

I exclaim ‘Aw!’ when I see my friend’s new bundle of joy that has just come forth into the world. 

I respond to my friends bad news with ‘Ah’ as I get their sadness but do not know how to comfort her. 

I let out a guttural ‘AHH!’ as I am frustrated by the emotions I feel over things I cannot control. 

There are so many ways to express ourselves with the same sounding word though it is spelled differently. 

I look at the world and see so many people. I am in awe of what they have done and aspire to do. I see friends living lives I wish I had but think of how difficult they really have it, but don’t let on to the difficulty. 

I wonder what I was like to walk through a forest here in California 400 years ago and to see the land before it was changed and grown up  

I am afraid of heights, but I wonder what it would be like to have the power to fly. I have had dreams where I couldn’t fly, but I could jump high and float down slowly while having complete control and feeling as though I weigh nothing. 

I wonder why I feel there is a greater power out there, but I do not know what it is or how we are connected. I wonder if all religions are based in truth and there is so much we just don’t know. 

I wonder if we are all connected and if we never truly die because we cannot destroy matter, but only change its form. Does this mean that we have the power to do and change anything, but we lack the knowledge and the patience to learn?

I wonder if you really can become enlightened. If so, would you transcend humanity or does nothing actually happen?

I wonder how we came up with having a ‘soul’. How do we have a consciousness with free thought? How is it that we are a higher being from animals and have a different means of understanding? How did we develop any kind of knowledge and why is it so widely accepted? 

I wonder why I always feel so alone even though I’m surrounded by people. Why do I feel the need to be loved by everyone I meet? 

I wonder what other people wonder. 

Thoughtful moments.

Do you ever look at someone and just think about them? What is their story? What kind of situation are they in? How is their life? Are they happy, sad or content with their life and how it is progressing? What kind of person are they?

I see a man in the sporty little 2 door beater car next to me at the stop light. He looks to be fit and in his early 20s, with a stubby beard and a flannel with the sleeves rolled up to the elbow. His hands look rough like he works on cars or a farm. What will his future be like? Where is he going from here? What was his journey like through life that brought him to this point?

These thoughts roll over me once in a while when I have the chance to slow down and be reflective. I see people and wonder what brought them to this point of their lives, and what they have experienced in their life. Our lives and time here are interesting to so the very least. We look forward into the future thinking we don’t have enough time, but when we look back, we think of all the things we could have done and/or done differently. How we treat others around us is a major thing. The relationships and experiences we have with those around us are based on our views, and what we perceive and know of those people, or how we judge them. 

I know that I may never judge anyone for a single thing, and nor should we, because we do not know the people we perceive, or their circumstance. How do you know this person is not a quality person just by judging them of how they look? People may grow out of their circumstance and make changes, they do not need to be victims of it; however, without the drive and passion to do so, it paralyzes you which prevents you from change. At what point do we accept a person, their choices or their behavior, by blaming it on their circumstance? 

I am not immune to judging others no matter how much I wish I didn’t. I absolutely hate the fact that I can look at a person and inwardly flinch just because of the way they look and I find myself thinking things I shouldn’t. I always reprimand myself after I think such things of others. 

Is this natural? In some ways I believe it is, and in others I think not, but we can explore this topic in another blog. 

Habit? Addiction? Obsession?

When I got home from work tonight, I thought to myself that I had NO idea what to write about tonight. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I go through my nightly routine of changing into clothes that are more comfortable, turning on my computer to play some video games and surf the internet.

My first stop is to log into my favorite games and do the typical max outs on them. Once this is done I view the new videos on Youtube from the people I subscribe to, surf through Facebook and chat with a few friends here and there on Discord.

Tonight while scrolling through Facebook, I came across a friend’s ‘like’ of some choreography that 3 guys are performing. This took me back a few years to when I used to binge watch hundreds of videos on Youtube of people showcasing their choreography after much practicing. This used to always make me want to do this in my daily life as it looked amazingly fun! Anyway, it got me questioning myself and I decided I had a blog for tonight after all!

My questions? At what point do we call habits an addiction? At what point do we call addictions a habit? When does it become an obsession? Do we become obsessed with things just from repetition? Can we differentiate between them?

I have an addictive personality. I get stuck on things that I love to do that bring me pleasure. These things include going to the club and dancing, watching topic specific Youtube videos back to back, drinking with friends, playing games, reading, or just whatever happens to tickle my fancy. So what out of these things, among others, are obsessions, habits, or addictions? Each of these words has a different meaning but are interchangeable to me depending on how you use it to describe what you are doing and if you are looking at it in a positive or negative view.

Does the habit of doing it daily become an addiction or an obsession? How does this progress? Am I obsessed? Can I live without doing it? Is this considered a grey area?

I am easily distracted, and it can happen for hours, but why then am I able to quit things cold turkey and never look back at them? Do I give up these things when they finally become monotonous and boring? Do I give them up when it feels like they are progressing to the next level? These do not always go in order of habit to addiction to obsession. They can appear in any order, but they can also appear one without another. When do we recognize these things and if/when they are a good thing or bad thing? Philosophically, you can argue positive or negative for any of these words on how you want to view something in your life, but is there a fixed answer to this or is it an open ended question after all?