Be forewarned this topic is Rated R for adult themes.
It has been easy being celibate. The hard part is to get past the urges and the memories of the flesh from before. I find myself falling into pornography every once in a while to relieve the tension, and once in a while I fight the urge to go out and give in to lustful encounters. It is usually at this point that I move towards porn. I know this is just as bad as acting since it is all considered “sinful” to give into these desires of the flesh.
I feel thus far that I have done a good job at not straying too far off of the path. While I am still on dating apps, I have not gone after meeting anyone yet as I would rather get to know people for the long haul. I’m, in a way, focused on myself; making my life more active on my time off, being more social with friends and family, being more healthy, and walking my path with God. The hardest part in all of this has been keeping a consistent support team around me.
I don’t feel as though I have those that are close enough to me that know my plights that can relate enough right now to support me. I have been using this realization to keep me talking to God and remind myself that He is all the support I really need. The sins of life have been ever close with the distance attained by those who were close to me the last few months.
I remind myself not to fall into those sins of being a whore, of ego, and selfishness. I push myself further while trying to better myself, to increase my understanding of others, to increase my patience and temper those aspects of myself that do not enhance my well-being and life.
I have recently succumbed to my greed and traded my 2015 car in for a new 2017 car that is more expensive. I reason these evils out so that they do not seem so bad at the time. I put myself into situations that are not good, and then I feel bad about walking away and leaving the other person “hanging” as I feel it jeopardizes my integrity.
I will admit I have pride in my integrity as it is one of my finest qualities. I am honest and trustworthy to a fault these days and there’s no way around that, not that I would want that anyway.
All in all, I feel as though I have been weak, but at the same time, other qualities make me strong. I must remember to remind myself of these good qualities and to fix those that aren’t good. I must remain vigilant and attentive to my actions so that I do not wrong those that I love, because putting them through pain causes me pain as well.
I feel as though my sins and not so good qualities are learning experiences that are helping to mold me into the person that I am meant to be.