¬†Wonder…

The world is full of wonder. Whether we are in awe, aw, ah, or aah.
I wonder…

I’m full of awe at the thought of how insignificant and small I feel on this planet while I stand on this cliff over the ocean. 

I exclaim ‘Aw!’ when I see my friend’s new bundle of joy that has just come forth into the world. 

I respond to my friends bad news with ‘Ah’ as I get their sadness but do not know how to comfort her. 

I let out a guttural ‘AHH!’ as I am frustrated by the emotions I feel over things I cannot control. 

There are so many ways to express ourselves with the same sounding word though it is spelled differently. 

I look at the world and see so many people. I am in awe of what they have done and aspire to do. I see friends living lives I wish I had but think of how difficult they really have it, but don’t let on to the difficulty. 

I wonder what I was like to walk through a forest here in California 400 years ago and to see the land before it was changed and grown up  

I am afraid of heights, but I wonder what it would be like to have the power to fly. I have had dreams where I couldn’t fly, but I could jump high and float down slowly while having complete control and feeling as though I weigh nothing. 

I wonder why I feel there is a greater power out there, but I do not know what it is or how we are connected. I wonder if all religions are based in truth and there is so much we just don’t know. 

I wonder if we are all connected and if we never truly die because we cannot destroy matter, but only change its form. Does this mean that we have the power to do and change anything, but we lack the knowledge and the patience to learn?

I wonder if you really can become enlightened. If so, would you transcend humanity or does nothing actually happen?

I wonder how we came up with having a ‘soul’. How do we have a consciousness with free thought? How is it that we are a higher being from animals and have a different means of understanding? How did we develop any kind of knowledge and why is it so widely accepted? 

I wonder why I always feel so alone even though I’m surrounded by people. Why do I feel the need to be loved by everyone I meet? 

I wonder what other people wonder. 

Insomnia?

I legitimately hate nights like this. All it takes is a few thoughts to spiral myself into an insomia. I try and try, but sleep does not come. I’ve already popped some benadryl and melatonin which has had little effect so far. Maybe if I wrote down what’s going through my head I will be able to clear my mind for sleep. 

My worries of a close friend. She has disappeared so abruptly from my life and it hurts. We were so close I felt, but for other reasons she had to distance herself. I have so many thoughts as to who caused this and why. I never expected to find such a great friend, but we took on immediately. I miss her texting me back, sharing jokes, and just spending time together. My heart aches and my head reels of this emptiness. It’s so frustrating that we cannot be together. I can only imagine how she feels as well. My thoughts are my worst enemy.

Does she feel the same? Is she ok with this separation? Do I give into doubt and think if there are other reasons than what she’s given me already? Do I even have the right to doubt her?

It’s times like this I wish I still had my Ex. If only for the convenience of him being there if I need him. I know it’s purely physical, but I do miss him. I did love him, if only as a friend in the end. I know I did the right thing for us by breaking it off, but why is it still so hard after so long? Is it true you really never get over your first love? Why must I doubt myself like this? I do not regret it, but I do feel lonely. Is that why I miss him? Because I am lonely? 

I try so hard to build relationships with people. I want a good strong connection with someone. I found that with them, but in the end it didn’t work? Is that what my life will be? Never fully finding that connection? How do I get away from this loneliness, this deep seated emotional sadness and longing that I feel? 

I wish I could just turn off these emotions that I have, it hurts and it’s distracting. Is it appropriate to feel abandoned right now? I’m always told by people to call them if I need anything, but how many of them can I really truly trust with the weight of my soul?